September 16, 2009 | Narrative
Post- Sex: The Hardy Brothers
our first mystery
article by The Hardy Brothers
FRANK: Hello. I’m Frank Hardy. That’s not the name printed on my birth certificate, but as far as lowbrow write-in sex column pseudonyms go, my younger brother Joe and I feel as if it’s hard to beat. I’m sorry, that was crude. But did you think Dear Abby’s name was really Abby?!
The real (fictional) Hardy Boys were detectives of great mysteries, much as your very own Hardy Brothers will try to investigate the sexual stratosphere of Brown University and beyond with the doggedness of our favorite teenage private eyes.
What are our qualifications for the job? The answer is…we don’t have any, really. Instead, we figured that the most we’ve got going for us — besides a healthy, post-adolescent interest in the subject and our easygoing brotherly rapport — is the sum of our cumulative sexual experience: as of the print date of this column, we estimate that between the two of us, we have enjoyed vaginal intercourse with 15 partners, given oral sex to 10, and received oral sex from 16 (the imbalance of which will hopefully be questioned by one of you). Additionally, we have manually stimulated 21 partners, and been manually stimulated by 4 (the imbalance of which will hopefully also be questioned by one of you). We have seen 24 pairs of breasts, felt 29 pairs of breasts, and kissed, oh God…maybe 37 partners in our combined 41 years of life. We have engaged in anal intercourse ¼ of a time, and we have masturbated at least 5,475 times, but probably more. Additionally, we may have just invented a new discipline: sextistics.
If that seems like a lot of sex, don’t worry! It’s a little alarming to us, too. But we only mention it to show you that when you sit down to think about your own experiences, you might be surprised to find that you’re more like a Hardy brother than you may have previously thought. Welcome!
Of course, in spite of what a friend once told me, it really is all about quality over quantity in sex, regardless of your batting average. Still, we wouldn’t want all those experiences of ours to have been for naught. This is why we are giving sex column writing a go. While we haven’t yet gone in for any same-sex activity (like our namesakes, we are, admittedly, rather hetero-normative)…or had a threesome…or really engaged in any number of a very long laundry list of more adventurous sexual activities (inspire us!), we feel as if we have a solid enough foundation, as well as overactive imaginations, by which to draw responses to your write-in sex questions and inquiries. We hope you agree.
JOE: Thanks Frank, I’ll take it from here. I’m Joe, the crazier (but less neurotic), more outgoing (but never sleazy) Hardy brother. I play sports, go on adventures, and eat — a lot. When it comes to sex, like the fictional Joe, I choose intuition over logic and passions over principles. I aim to please, and hope to offer some scintillating advice to complement Frank.
I tend to avoid planning, but Frank has asked me to explain the format of the column: We want you, Brunonians, to submit your questions on all things “romantico-sexual” (thank you, Benjamin Kunkel, for supplying us with the term). From the common, “What’s your favorite sex position?” to the philosophical, “Can men and women be friends?” we want to hear it all.
Each week Frank and I will write separate responses to at least one of your questions. Whose advice to believe? We’ll leave that one up to you.
To submit your questions, shoot us an email at TheHardyBrothers.ThePost@gmail.com. Your identity will always be kept strictly confidential, but we encourage you to finish with sensual sign-offs and creative acronyms (“Best” is for Professors. Instead, why not try something like, “Affectionately, Heart Awaiting Real Desire, Yawn”).
Or, if you’re a little more old-fashioned like my brother Frank, slip your questions into our J. Walter Wilson mailboxes (sounds hot, huh?). My box number is 7149, Frank’s is 7886.
So who are we, really? Along with your secrets, that’s one we’ll never tell.
–xo xo The Hardy Brothers