“No guys, guys, don’t worry. I have a foolproof plan for dating Emma Watson. When I meet her, I’m going to pretend that I have no idea who she is. Guys, She’ll find that so refreshing.”

– Every Male Brown Student

What this noble plan would look like in action…

The Delta Tau common room. Saturday night. Supermash Brothers plays over the speakers as the party gets into full swing. Brown Male, attracted by the noise, wanders in the front door, spies Emma in a corner. Finally, a chance to execute his daringly original plan.

Brown Male: [oozing nonchalance] So, how’s the party?

Emma Watson: Quite good.

BM: I love your accent. Prague?

EW: [puzzled] London, actually.

BM: Oh, right. I can never keep the two straight. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.

EW: It’s Emma.

BM: [slowly] Em-ma. Am I pronouncing that correctly?

EW: Yes…

BM: So is that with one ‘m’ or two?

EW: Umm two…

BM: [Chuckling nervously] Oh right. So what’s your last name, Emma?

EW: Watson.

BM: [feigning recognition] Oh! As in the Thomas J. Watson Jr. Institute for International Studies?

EW: [skeptically] No, as in the famous actress in movies…

BM: [employing air quotes] Oh, I don’t really keep up with a lot of “mainstream movies.” I have a lot of alternative interests that I’m very passionate about.

EW: From, like, the Harry Potter movies…

BM: Nope, no, sorry. Not ringing any bells.

EW: Sorry, where did you say you were from?

BM: I—ummm—spent a lot of my childhood in Siberia. Not a lot of time for movies when you’re braving the elements. It was very cold. Lost a lot of friends out there.

EW: [concerned] I’m so sorry. That must have been hard for you

BM: [eyes misting, gazing into the middle distance] I don’t like to talk about it.

EW: [visibly uncomfortable] Maybe you’ve heard of the books? They’re the most popular works of fiction in our lifetimes. They’ve sold about half a billion copies over the last decade. They’re read in every language and every countrty…

BM: [employing more air quotes] Sorry, I’m not much of a “reader”.

EW: [confused] Do you go here?

BM: [Realizing his mistake] Yes, well… I’m concentrating in Psychoceramics. So my interests don’t run towards the literary.

Emma glances around the room, looking for some one else with whom to talk. But the other revelers are too engrossed in a game of swat.

EW: What does a Psychoceramics concentration entail exactly?

BM: Yes, well, it’s hard to say really.

EW: [edging towards the door] Hard to say?

BM: [in desperation] What I mean to say is I’m switching concentrations to—ummm—bubonic nuetoronomy.

EW: [terrified] Bubonic what?!

Enter Dan Parnes ’10, industry coordinator for the Ivy Film Festival

Dan Parnes: Sorry for interrupting. As a cinema enthusiast, Emma, I just wanted to say I’m a fan of your work.

EW: [finding this refreshing] Oh thanks! I really appreciate that.

DP: Anyways, I’ll let you get back to your conversation.

EW: No, that’s all right. Really. Want to go get some coffee and talk Eisenstein or something? Please?

Exeunt Dan and Emma.

Distraught, Brown Male desperately scans the crowd until he finds the next recipient of his affections.

BM: [oozing nonchalance] So, how’s the party?

Alicia Sacramone: Fuck off.