Dear Hardy Brothers,

Now that I am an upperclasswoman, I can’t decide what to do: should I find myself a silver fox or play cougar and prey on some freshmeat?

Confused,

On the Prowl

JOE: Sharpen your claws, but soften your paws, OP. It’s huntin’ time.

Having been on the receiving end of some cougar affection, I know from experience that the older woman/younger man scenario almost always works out better for the woman than when she pursues a silver-maned sugar daddy. So harness some lucky young man’s desire to please you, though if he turns out to be a bad apple, don’t hesitate to drop the rookie.

But where to start? You have to remember, OP, that your seniority gives you all of the power. Don’t worry, you’ve earned it. First, find some healthy prospects (remember: you’ve got to plant a lot of seeds even if you want just one flower to blossom).

At this point, you likely know where to find a younger man of your choosing: the V-Dub at dinnertime if you’re into jocks; late night at the Rock if you like a little more intellectual flavor. Hell, pull from Fish Co or Liquid Lounge is you’re so inclined—wait a minute, haven’t I seen you before?!

Once you’ve established a connection with your new plaything, “baby you can have whatever you like,” to quote a jailed rapper. When you’re the cougar, you can purr gently or take a ferocious swipe out of his…

Your spicy romance might just be a one night fling, but it may turn into a semester-long affair (god forbid a “serious” relationship develops).

The point is, OP, that when you’re the coug, it’s up to you! So don’t disappear on the Amtrak in your few remaining weekends to see some I-Banker in New York or Red Sox minor leaguer in Bean-Town.  Stay at Brown and enjoy the presents from our admissions department—freshmen: the gifts that keep on giving.

FRANK: Well, Joe, not to play Judas to your Jesus, but don’t forget that the cougar/younger man relationship can just as easily be more of a miracle for the lucky boy in question than for the deserving girl. I know it’s worked out for you in the past, but that’s to be expected: you’re a Hardy Brother, after all.

However, it only takes a quick survey of all the relevant pop cultural materials—The Graduate, “Sex and the City,” “The O.C.,” “Gossip Girl”—to see that those boys, as delicious as the latter trinity are, just wind up with someone their own age in the end. Of course, the tabloids offer an occasional counter—you go, Demi!—but those fairy-tale lives are just as much a fiction as movies and TV.  Let’s talk reality here.

I suppose, OP, it comes down to the thing that resolves almost all erotic queries: knowing what you want. If you’re in it for the fun, Joe has a point: cougin’ ain’t half-bad. But in my heart of hearts, I have to say my sympathy goes to the silver fox (perhaps because I’d like to be one when I grow up). Choose not just any old fox—bear in mind that men are men and will fuck you over the first chance they get, although I have yet to see any hard evidence that the formulation “women are women” isn’t equally true—but a wise, not wizened, one (the silver is optional) who has known love and loss and—here’s the rub—many partners! This fox will therefore know that you are a rare flower to cherish, preserve, and pollinate liberally.

The silver fox’s brand of hard won, lived experience is no guarantee of anything (see the Ben Kingsley/Penelope Cruise film Elegy for more information on this subject). In the games of sex and love, there is no such thing. But it does make it that much more likely that he will know a good thing when he sees it, know how to articulate the good thing both to you and himself, and most important of all, know how to keep it a good thing day after day, year after year. Because in that department (forgive me, Joe), boys these days are sorely lacking.

So, OP, do girls just want to have fun, or have a total eclipse of the heart? Write back soon and the same goes for all you Brunonians out there. Like Obama says: “This…has never been about [us]; it’s about you.”

—xoxo

The Hardy Brothers