Dear Hardy Brothers,

Although I have long had an active fantasy life, for too long now my sex life has been sub-par. I am interested in BDSM, and particularly choking during sex (both choking and being choked), but I have no idea how or where to start. How should this beginner rough things up?

—Yearning 2Be Kinky

Frank: Dear Y2K,

Congratulations! Your letter marks the second milestone for us Hardy Brothers. Last week’s column we celebrated our first write-in response, and this week’s column we celebrate our graduation from a wholesome column full of fun for the whole family (we like to imagine this family around the dinner table: “Hey kids, do you know Aesop’s fable about the cougar and the silver fox?”) to a hardcore, out of the shadows sex column! Joe—I think our patron saint Dan Savage (let’s hope he’s out there somewhere watching us) would be proud.

We must warn you,Y2K, that although we’ll investigate your unusual, but cautionary case to the best of our amateur, adolescent mystery-solving abilities, this one’s a little above our pay grade. For that reason, we’ve consulted the top ranks to bring you a survey of advice and opinions on what the excellent resource sexuality.org refers to as the “heavier aspects of BDSM.”

First off, to quote a New York Times bestselling author who recently came to Brown for a reading, “Being over-prepared never hurt anyone.” At least he said something like that, anyway. Of course, he was talking about writing novels, but enacting fantasy scenes is not entirely dissimilar (well, not to sell you short ,Y2K, but maybe fantasy role-play is more like writing a short story). At any rate, both follow scripts, or at least guidelines, and knowing where you are heading is even more important in sex than it is in fiction because someone really can get hurt. My point is, before diving headlong into more risky and extreme forms of BDSM play, a good place to start is by reading a book.

Unfortunately for us, there is no BDSM entry in the For Dummies series (and the sex tome penned by the venerable Dr. Ruth makes no mention of it). But fortunately for us, we live in a capitalist society (though everybody’s favorite theorist Slavoj Žižek might disagree), and their competitors, the makers of Complete Idiot’s Guides, have an Amazing Sex volume which includes a chapter on it. Of course, there are other options out there too (SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, How To Be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM to name a few), though starting out with one of these is a good bet.

But Joe’s the brother who can really offer you the goods when it comes to the particulars of “heavy” petting. Hopefully he can also steer your fantasy in a different, safer direction.

JOE: That’s right! Forgetful Frank omitted a critical disclaimer. Although I doubt that President Simmons had erotic asphyxiation in mind when she wrote, “personal safety is the number one priority” in that campus-wide email awhile back, she would undoubtedly condemn such unsafe sexual practices. As responsible Hardy Brothers, we must do the same. To all you one-handed readers out there, belts are for waists, not for necks, so don’t strangle yourselves while masturbating (and reading our column)!

Depending on how eager you are, Y2K, you may be parsing the definition of erotic asphyxiation with a fine-tooth comb. You may be thinking to yourself, “belts and ropes aren’t cool, but it would still be fun to wrap my hands around my hunny’s throat while on top” (or vice versa), and you wouldn’t be wrong to think that such practices are popular. But so is meth, and you don’t go chasing rocks, do you? We hope not.

Fortunately, there are still infinite ways to safely explore the rougher side of the bedroom, or kitchen.  The first step to kinking any sexual relationship is an open and honest discussion. Once you and you’re partner have decided on a BDSM appetizer to introduce to your sexual repertoire—spanking is a fun place to start— it’s time to develop your very own safeword. If you don’t think you can say “Nicomachean Ethics” with a ball gag in your mouth (we don’t think we can either), the stoplight system promotes communication and is a common and easy way to gauge your partner’s comfort level. Green means go, yellow is for a break or lighter play, and red demands an immediate halt to whatever you’re doing.

After you’ve comfortably crossed into BDSM-land (it’s like Narnia), the possibilities are endless; you may just find yourself buying leathers at Bedlam. Just be careful: in more extreme forms of sex, the physical and emotional stakes can be higher. Make sure you’re with a partner you trust.

And always remember: there’s no safe way to strangle somebody (especially during sex), but there are lots of other fun things you can do, BDSM and otherwise. Try those instead.

—xo cough (anal) xo The Hardy Brothers