Feel the Rush

the schrecking ball

chris c“spoiled, rotten little skulls full of mush with brains that represent the arid expanse of the Sahara Desert” –Rush Limbaugh, on Brown students after they supported the faculty’s decision to stop observing Columbus Day.

Mush— (n.) pulp: any soft or soggy mass

Arid — (adj.) dry, without moisture, parched, withered

Yesterday on the Rush Limbaugh Show

Rush: Well, this Monday the  nasty, ugly little worms with warm bleeding hearts that represent the frozen expanse of the Arctic tundra at Brown University will be observing their first “Fall Weekend.” Here to momentarily distract me from whining about having a black president, we have Christopher Columbus himself, live from 1500.

Columbus: Thanks for having me Rush, always great to encounter a kindred spirit. It’s actually Cristóbal Colón, though.

R: You’re in my country now. Assimilate.

C: Umm…

R: Now what really gets me, what really makes me so angry I can barely form complete sentences, is that Brown’s decision represents a clear attempt to marginalize Italian-Americans.

C: I see that, yes, but what troubles me more than the anti-Italian aspect is the Pro-Indian aspect of the decision. I mean, Indians? I fucking hate those guys. They don’t even speak English.

R: You mean Italian.

C: Rush, you’re speaking to some one who’s been dead for 500 years, let’s not sweat the details.

R: Touché.

C: Now where was I? Oh yeah, Indians. It just pains me that these Brown students and professors would consider the perspective of people I worked so hard to enslave, rape and eliminate.

R: And I feel your pain, Christopher. I really, really feel it. Like, really. It hurts. Sorry, Tina, could you bring me my Percosets? I mean—over-the-counter Tylenol. Ahem, as I was saying, these  whiney, Elvin liberals with dense, leaden brains that represent the matterless vacuum of deep space are the same people that think Amherst, Massachusetts and Amherst College shouldn’t be named after Lord Amherst because he gave smallpox blankets to Indians.

C: He did what now?

R: It was a misunderstanding. He infected blankets with a deadly disease to which the indigenous population lacked resistance and then gave them as gifts to said population, indiscriminately killing men, women and children.

C: And all he got was a town and a college? This man’s brilliant! Give him a state, at least.

R: Right! And these sniveling, “Indigenous people”-hugging vagrants with tiny intellects that represent the vastness of the world’s oceans, they just want to project their precious little “values” back onto a period in which they’re not applicable. You were just man of your times, constrained by the status quo.

C: Woah, Rush, give me a little credit here. I really set the tone. I like to think of myself as the Neil Armstrong of killing Indians.

R: Right, but—

C: And even in my own time I did manage to appall a lot of people. The Spaniards considered me such a despotic governor I was arrested and sent back to Europe in chains. And not to toot my own horn, but the Spanish held their own when it came to enslaving and exploiting, so I really had to bring it to a whole new level to get a rise out of them.

R: A lot of visionaries are misunderstood in their own time. Pol Pot comes to mind.

C: Which is why I’m glad that wise men—gentlemen and scholars like you, Rush Limbaugh—have taken advantage of historical perspective to give me a fair shake.

R: You discovered a freaking continent!

C: Rush, you flatter me. We already knew about Asia.

R: You’re actually in North America.

C: Huh? America? … Vespucci! Really? That guy?

R: Rough, I know. And do these people even appreciate that you were the first man to understand that the world was round?

C: Unless you count ancient Greeks …

R: Homosexuality was not taboo in ancient Greece, so no, I don’t think I will count the Greeks.

C: I like the way you think.

R: You know what else I think? That the notion that the way we view history and who we choose to honor should reflect “morals” and “values” is dangerous: More dangerous than driving to work at your radio talk show in an illegal-painkiller-induced stupor.

C: I agree, Rush. But as a connoisseur of douche moves, I do have to give Brown a little credit here. The decision to erase my legacy from the calendar by calling Monday “Fall Weekend” in an attempt to ignore history, rather than finding a way to reflect on the immense historical impact of my actions without honoring me, was definitely a douche move. But the kind of subtle douche move you can really appreciate. Mmm..  And on that note, thanks for having me, Rush.

R: That was Christopher Columbus, man of action. Next up, a look back at the lighter side of the Jim Crow South.

Happy Day of the Encounter, everybody.