The Hardy Brothers
Dear Hardy Brothers,
Sometimes when I’m high, I think about threesomes. The other night I was stoned, listening to the new Britney Spears song “3” and I really got to thinking. Then I got stuck. Maybe because I was too high. Maybe because it’s too complicated an issue. Either way, Hardy Brothers, I’d love to hear what you good-looking boys have to say about it. Do you think there is such a thing as a genuine threesome in which no one feels left out? Does everyone have to be bisexual? Is it inherently hyper-sexual and porn-like or can it be just chill and good?
I call middle!
Sometimes when I’m high, I think about threesomes. Joe: Me too! The other night I was stoned, listening to the new Britney Spears song “3” and I really got to thinking. Frank: Are we leading parallel lives, I.C.M.? That’s my new favorite song! I think it’s even eclipsed Lady Gaga’s “Love Game” as the seminal piece of contemporary sexual theory in all of pop music. Then I got stuck. Joe: Me too. Maybe because I was too high. Frank: We find it’s never because we’re too high. It’s always because of the things that make us want to get too high. Either way, Hardy Brothers, I’d love to hear what you good-looking boys have to say about it. Joe: If you’re talking to me, I.C.M., let’s meet on the fourteenth floor of the SciLi, tomorrow at midnight. Cool?
Do you think there is such a thing as a genuine threesome in which no one feels left out? Frank: I think it takes three participants practiced in the ways of polyamory in order for no one to get their feelings hurt. I’ve heard it through the grapevine, though, that these things tend to work out best when, after the fun is over, or while resting up for round two, the threesome winds down to a twosome. Of course, negotiating who will go home alone, or which partner will go home first, in a way that doesn’t make him or her feel left out, is a sticky situation. Joe: I find that it’s typically best to kill the partner that’s least desirable. Frank: Joe! People are listening… Joe: You’re right. Killing never solved anything—just ask O.J. But back to threesomes, there are two surefire tricks to proper threesome etiquette: first, if you’re having a premeditated threesome and you’re the organizer, lead by example: don’t be awkward yourself! More importantly, all involved parties must be honest about their desires, and their limits. If you start investigating un-discussed and unexplored territory mid-threesome, the sh*t could hit the fan—literally. Frank: In a dorm room, this is especially disgusting. Or a motel. But how do you talk about your feelings and still have a spontaneous, spur of the moment, making the beast with two backs threesome, the kind we’ve all dreamt about since eighth grade and Baywatch?
Well, if you are fortunate enough to engage in this rarer kind of unplanned ménage-a-tois, you need to be especially attuned to the body language of your two other partners to translate the situation. Use your post-coital recharge time to feel out who wants to end up where at the end of the night. We’re of the opinion that if you’re down to go to bed with a certain someone, or someones, a proper gentleman or lady should also be prepared to let their partners spend the night if that’s what they want. Joe: Can three people even fit in a college twin? Frank: If they’re small. Does everyone have to be bisexual? Joe: Isn’t everyone a little bit bi? Is it inherently hyper-sexual and porn-like or can it be just chill and good? Frank: This is the Obama era. It’s all chill and good, baby.
Shit, Joe. Looks like we’re a regular Frost/Nixon. Joe: Stay tuned, loyal readers, for the Broadway production.
—xo xo The Hardy Brothers