Hi Hardies,

I thought up a game while drifting over Colorado called “Tap that Ass or Take a Pass?”  I toss a few situations your way, and you decide whether to invite her up in your balloon, or drop the tether instead and float off alone.

—She slept with your roommate once or twice, but that was weeks ago.  OR: You slept with her roommate once or twice, but that was weeks ago.  Roommate swap?

—Slurring her words like a Southern temptress (even though she’s from Vermont), she says, “You’re not as drunk as me!”  You disagree: You ARE as drunk as her.  At least you think so, but that whole independent subjectivity thing is tricky.

—You had a fling on, say, Spring Weekend, but it was supposed to end there.  Suddenly, a week later, you wake from a nap to find her sitting at the foot of your bed (your roommate let her in).

So eager for a response, I could barf!

Falcon

FRANK: Falcon! You sly dog, you. Not only was the balloon stunt a hoax—and rather impressively, my boy, the talk of the national news media last week—but your question seems to indicate you’re a great deal older than six too! Damn you’re good.

I should tell you that Joe will not be joining us this time for our weekly excursion. Unfortunately, he had to go home to Bayport to see the Hardy Family (one of those emergency situations), but he’ll be back next week (I miss you, Joe).

Situation One: Joe and I have a rule. Well, it’s a more of a principle, really (not that it’s ever been violated to date—that I know of…). Regardless, the rule is no sharing (or swapping) partners between us no matter how many weeks, months, or years have gone by. We have also respected this rule (again, to date) when it comes to other siblings too. No one wants to come between blood relatives—pun possibly intended—which, as we all know, can be a really messy experience. Now, when this came up a couple of weeks ago, Joe contended that there was a qualitative difference between, say, making out with someone at a party once or twice and—to borrow the colloquial term a friend of mine has been abusing lately—fucking (“Slept with” is a nice euphemism, Lil’ Falc, but oftentimes “fucking” is more honest—you’ll learn this when you get older). I can concede the point. Especially for us Brunonians, who tend to skew rather prude (you may recall our colleague Allie Wollner’s column from a few weeks back), kissing and fucking do not usually feel like the same thing. So, to sum up, unless the girl’s Helen of Troy, or, if it’s more of a love connection thing, a second Juliet, you should avoid hooking up with your roommate’s former fling or, even more so, your former fling’s roommate! They both may say it’s cool (this is much more likely with the former situation) and be wrong, not realizing the depth of their feeling until you’re in too deep. Take a pass.

Scenario Two: The Southern Belle from Vermont is probably also a dish best avoided. First of all, you don’t very well want to tryst with a girl whose grammar is bad (she should have said “You’re not as drunk as I am”) because it goes to follow that other things with her could be bad as well. If she’s willing to let the way she freaking talks slip by the wayside, who knows what else could be bad about (and with) her? And, if she’s trying to gauge your drunkenness in such a coarse way, it probably ain’t because she’s sensitive and doesn’t want to take advantage of you. Independent subjectivity is tricky. So is radical insecurity. Take a pass.

Scenario Three: If you like the girl, goddamn are you lucky. Tap that ass, and keep your roommate in controlled substances for the rest of the month to say thank you. If you don’t like the girl, all the things I said about Scenario Oneno longer apply. Foist her on *him. And be sure not do anything else illegal, Lil’ Falc! It may be okay on national television, but not in the Hardy ethos. Many things are permitted—age teaches us this—but to be a gentleman of love and sex in the Hardy school, deception isn’t one of them. Stay in school.

—xoxo Frank Hardy

*The same suggestion should also apply for any combination of genders.