Living off-campus and off meal plan, I often find myself with a fridge full of food threatening to rot, sour, mold, or wilt in the immediate future. The race against the expiration date requires quick and decisive action, often goaded by impulsive combinations of ingredients. I find the same impulse that fuels the consumption of perishable food also often fuels decisions about sexual involvements. As a result, some overlap in terminology occurs. Enter the term “Expiration Dating.”
“Expiration Dating” refers to a relationship in which one can, to borrow lyrics from Lil’ Wayne, “see the end in the beginning.” Expiration Dating occurs when both parties enter a relationship fully aware that they’ll be parting ways in the near future. Stints in foreign countries, school vacations spent at home, vacations to visit friends who in turn introduce you to their charming friends— all of these situations provide ideal conditions for expiration dating. In the same way the expiration date stamped on the container tells you when you should start thinking twice about putting those mozzarella balls in your salad, the circumstances of Expiration Dating designate a clear end date for romantic involvement.
I enjoy perishable foods. I also enjoy expiration dating. Or I adhere to it. Or I support it. Or I practice it. Or I’m confused. Here’s the real story: shortly after starting something vaguely romantic or at least unmistakably sexual, I almost always seem to board a plane for another country or another city. Yes, I am a serial Expiration Dater. In my long and storied succession of experiences, I have learned a few things.
First, if you self-identify as an Expiration Dater, or recognize yourself in the description above, it probably also means you are a commitmentphobe. Know that about yourself, and welcome to the club.
Undeniably, Expiration Dating is fraught with a slew of emotional landmines. Why then, would anyone run the risk of experiencing this kind of psychological anguish? Because—and this is the second thing I’ve learned—Expiration Dating has a shining secret: the sex—in the broad brushstrokes sense of the word, encompassing any and all sexual interactions—is really, really good. Romantic involvements with a foregone conclusion conjure a delirious (and highly addictive) sense of urgency. Destined to end prematurely, these interactions feel magical as they happen and seem ideal in hindsight. Expiration Dating often gives rise to a “what the hell” attitude towards sex, the rationale being, “We’ll probably never see each other again, so let’s get naked.” The shorter the shelf-life, the more reckless and impassioned the sex. This kind of sex is electric. It’s intense. It’s memorable. As long as you do it safely, I highly recommend throwing caution to the wind and trying it at least once.
The prime season for Expiration Dating at Brown starts somewhere around mid-March or the beginning of April, right at the beginning of the end of the semester. ED season is still a ways off for most students, but for some it’s already here: Point five-ers, leave-takers, and study abroad-ers–there are six weeks of fall semester left. This is the High Season for you. What are you waiting for? Hop to it!
But, buyer beware—because Expiration Dating often stops short before the infatuation has time to fizzle naturally, I guarantee the abrupt separation will leave you wanting more. I understand the overwhelming desire to devour more of a good thing, I’ve been there, but I would still recommend that you adhere to the expiration date.
See the official statement from The FDA (The F*cking and Dating Administration) on Expiration Dating:
Soon after the Expiration Date has passed, there is a high probability that this variety of relationship will curdle or otherwise spoil. Those imprudent enough to extend a temporary relationship past its expiration date run the risk of contracting a dating-borne illness. The FDA recommends disposing of all expired relationships in an efficient and timely manner.
Trust me on this one: listen to the FDA. I’ve drunk enough curdled milk to know how bad it tastes. In the meantime, however, I suggest you open the fridge. Because there’s plenty of delicious produce in there begging to be eaten.
