“I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style…pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.” – Shane Falco

When in the course of culinary events it becomes necessary for one ingredient to supplant another in a recipe, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that those responsible make a wise and judicious selection.

Or something like that.

Decency does, however, dictate that when something goes awry or missing, a self-respecting chef must call upon his adaptive abilities (and his pantry) to make right the wrong that has befallen his endeavor. This, in turn, requires preparation and creativity. These, then, are your tools:

Soy Milk: Recent experimentation in our test kitchen has revealed that the proper ratio of soy milk and hoisin can successfully approximate coconut milk, rescuing (in dramatic vegan fashion) a putative satay sauce or curry.

Brown Sugar: Huge.  Perfect as an extender/thickener/sweetener (for other extender/thickener/sweeteners, check your spam folder) in just about any cuisine.  If you screw up a salad dressing, a heaping tablespoon of brown sugar will castrate any excess acidity.  Similarly, a too-salty tomato sauce can be muted with a sprinkling of the dark stuff.

Charisma:  Great substitute for contraceptives.

Canola/Olive Oil: Reasonable substitutes for butter, which opens up a world of baking possibilities (and subsequent eating-your-feelings possibilities).  Also makes great lube, but it’s a terrible exfoliant.

Large Sunglasses: Effective, if deceptive and unfair, replacement for an attractive face.

Gin:  Freely substitute for vermouth in martinis, or for water at lunch.

Seltzer: Perfect substitute for any other beverage, except for gin (see above).

Nuts: Generally interchangeable.  Toasted hazelnuts or walnuts in place of pine make for an earthy, if douchey, pesto.

Vermouth: Fantastic substitute for other cooking alcohols. Elevated an impromptu apple compote from bullshit to stellar.  We’ve used it in all manners of cuisine, including Asian (!)

Vaguely Foreign Accent:  Substitute for having something interesting to say.

Shallots: Halfway between onions and garlic and better than both.  Don’t feel confined to French dishes, just as you should not feel confined to loudly broadcasting the French language in Blue State.

The Four-in-Hand: Excellent substitute for the half-Windsor.  Quicker, easier, more idiosyncratic and, frankly, more versatile.

Sriracha: Substitute for any other flavor.  Squirt some on plain rice and you’ve got a dish.  Blast over potatoes, stir into sauce, centrifuge into tuna.  Also makes a great lube.

Scotch: Great substitute for feeling.

Grapefruit Juice:  Substitute for other citruses, and have a glass while you’re at it.

Herbs:  If, when executing a recipe, one should find oneself lacking requisite basil, cilantro, mint, or rosemary, try substituting with any of the others in the group.  Who knows, like the original inventor of the nipple clip, you might discover something great and unexpected.

Goat cheese:  Great replacement for ecstasy or cocaine.

Pessimism: Great substitute for optimism.

Reading This Column: Great substitute for something worthwhile to do with your time.