The Schrecking Ball will now take your questions.
Dear Schrecking Ball:
After an enchanted night of exploring myself and the inside of other people’s mouths at Sex, Power, God, my neon green leotard is stained with copious blood, tears and what can only be described as the bodily humour of known as yellow bile. What’s good for that?
-Sullied in Slater
A little club soda with lemon juice should make your leotard like new. As for the stain on your dignity, only time and cold showers will remove that.
Dear Schrecking Ball:
I recently opened a bar on College Hill called “Risky Business” in the hopes of drawing Brown students’ business. The bar features reasonably priced drinks, good music, but the only customers are a handful of creepy grad students and Vincent “Buddy” Cianci. What am I doing wrong?
-Worried on Wickendon
Your confusion is understandable. You’ll soon learn that Brown students’ choice of bars rests on an unusual criterion: Seafood. The kids go crazy for it. I suggest you add a full menu. And it wouldn’t hurt to rename the bar “Fishy Business.”
Dear Mr. Ball:
I’ve been attempting to overhaul the American educational system. Whaddya got for me?
-Horace Mann ’1819
P.S. How’s Hazeltine? I remember when that guy was still an Associate Professor.
Dear Mr. Mann:
I think there are a few common sense reforms that should be implemented in every American school. First, it is important that students be able to retroactively make all of their classes S/NC. Also, one half of all grades should be A’s. And there should be a class called Hitler’s Gift (MUSC1672).
I don’t know what to do. My gambling debts are piling up and the neighborhood loan-shark has been making threats. I’m thinking of burning down my home with my family inside for the insurance payoff. Is there any way out of this?
-Hopeless on Hope St.
Relax. You know what would make you feel a lot better? A nice, big pizza pie. Go down to ViaVia and order yourself the SchreckingBall special—for $500. Bring latex gloves. I have a feeling this will go a long way towards making your problems disappear.
Things had been going well with this really cute boy from RISD. He’s sweet, and smart and super-creative. But last week he asked me to do something unspeakable with some Spicy Withs—on camera. He claims it’s for a project, and that he’s just misunderstood, but I’m skeptical. Should I go through with it? The only thing I want to do to with Spicy Withs is eat them.
-Hungry in Hegemon
Woah, it looks like Gmail’s been mis-delivering the Hardy Brothers’ e-mails to my account again. This isn’t exactly my area, but I’ve consulted various experts and the verdict is unanimous: the plural of spicy with is Spicies With. Hope that helps!