Dear Hardy Bros,

I’m a non-practicing gay who’s recently started thinking about playing for the other team. I like the better odds and hope to have an easier time finding what I’m looking for, minus the penis. Could you brief me on the differences between sex between the sexes, and sex within them? No need to cover the basics – just let me know when I can’t treat a lady like a tramp (and don’t bother trying to tell me there’s no difference).

Thanks boys,
Back In The Closet? Help!

Frank: You may have noticed, dear readers, that the only things I love more than sex are my baby brother and self-promotion. I especially love self-promotion when I can combine it with my baby brother. Therefore, I wish to celebrate a very special first for us Hardy Brothers. B.I.T.C.H.’s submission marks our first letter received from a writer who identifies as gay (well…sort of, anyway). So thank you, B.I.T.C.H., for paving the way for future letters from gays and for making this column and your Hardy authors that much more gay. I am pleased to report that our column has been in existence for long enough now to have amassed enough Hardy theory that for the first time ever we are able torefer back to previously published columns! But before I indulge, I want to thank you, readers, and remind all of you out there in Newspaper Land that we need your support now more than ever!

Replenish our question bank with your potent seed! Please e-mail your letters to thehardybrothers.thepost@gmail.com. Once again, all submission are, of course, considered anonymously. Joe and I can’t wait to hear all about the confusing, question-worthy sex you’ve been having, Brunonians. Go Bears!

As to your questions, B.I.T.C.H., the differences in sex between the sexes has been debated as far back as Ancient Greece. Mike Binder considers it in a more contemporary light in his movie The Sex Monster, where a husband convinces his wife to have a threesome with another woman. When she resists on the grounds that she won’t know what to do, he counters that she has the “home-court advantage”–which proves amply true. Obviously, B.I.T.C.H., if you bid the cock goodbye, you’ll forfeit that home-court advantage. But don’t despair—what you’ll lose in familiarity you’ll make up in what we might call the “lubrication advantage” (usually—it depends on the woman). Just take it slow. It might be a good idea to use the base system and run through each base in the proper order and at your own pace. Like Socrates before you, let your own Diotima, whoever she may be, show you the ladder of love, one rung at a time.

JOE: As I have never had sex with another man, let alone switched teams in the middle of the season, I sought the advice of a dear friend (and recent Brown alumnus!) with extensive experience in both matters to help answer your inquiry, B.I.T.C.H. Let’s call my friend Shercock Holmes.

Shercock argues that “re-closeting yourself because you can’t find a man is lazy.” Though I’m not prepared to call you slothful, B.I.T.C.H., it seems as though your newly inspired quest for pussy is misguided. The “non-practicing” preface to your identification as gay indicates either a disillusionment with standard courting rituals, or an intentional celibacy, neither of which are likely to be remedied by encounters with women.

In fact, dating chicks could make things worse. Shercock points out that while most men don’t care how their partners identify, women care…a lot: “If you have sex with a girl, and she finds out you are gay and simply using her as a guinea pig while you ride out your dry spell, she is going to be angry.”

Furthermore, if “better odds”  are the reason that you’re considering women, then you’re playing the game the wrong way. The Internet, and its plethora of dating sites have made hooking up easier than ever before (see: manhunt.net, or, for general local gay info, edgeprovidence.com).

But if unwritten reasons still propel you towards sampling something new, you should know that hetero-hooking-up culture can be much different from that of homosexuals. Although data on this topic is mixed at best, within the anecdotal confines of Brunonia, gay men are much more serious about safe sex than their more laissez-fare, straight counterparts. Don’t be surprised, then, if you’re partner tells you to “play the tip,” or just “put it in.” But just because you’ll be playing on new turf doesn’t mean the old rules don’t still apply. At least one study conducted by a professor at UCLA found that bisexual young men faced the highest risk of HIV.

So whether you’re a switch-hitter or in a committed relationship (not mutually exclusive, by the way!), remember Weezy: “Better wear a latex! ‘Cuz you don’t want that late text. That ‘I think I’m late’ text!” Or that “I have a sore, and health services says its herpes,” text.

—xo xo the Hardy Brothers