Dear Hardy Bros.,

I love my girlfriend, but she doesn’t understand what turns me on: things like acting sexy, talking dirty, wearing lingerie (or at least not always plain, white, boring underwear), taking command and being spontaneous. The few times I’ve tried to bring it up, she’s been reluctant to discuss it. What should I do?

Sincerely Yours,
Kraving Impassioned Naughty Koitus

JOE: “Before you graduate, try to experience the pleasures of a partner that hasn’t studied so hard, but has acquired other skills—like giving amazing blow jobs.” You’d think these words come straight from a Socratic dialogue, but they were recently uttered by my father, Papa Hardy (a veritable prophet), to a close friend. Considering that you’re already neck deep into relationship territory, and there isn’t actually a Rhode Island Institute of Felatio (they opted for the name Providence College), you may be feeling trapped and shit out of luck.

Don’t worry; the way my pops sees it, the Art of Love can be acquired just like any other craft along the road of life—with practice and guidance. But before you start a conversation, determine exactly what it is you want, and what you’re willing to trade for it if your circumstances require sacrifice. Do you smoke too much? Do you swear too much? Do you shamelessly hit on her really hot friend too much? If you’re nothing less than a paragon of virtue, ask her female friends (they’re likely the ones that she complains to) what she would most like you to change.

Broaching the topic will be tough, but clearly knowing and stating your terms will make things easier. Try a frank opener like, “hey, can we talk about sex for a second?” Even if it goes over like a led balloon, at least you’ll get to the point quickly. State your grievances politely and qualify them as cautiously as you did in your question. Explain that while you love being with her, you’re tired of always leading in the bedroom. If she seems reluctant to step up her game, swear your oath to make a change as well.

Next time things start to get hot and heavy, don’t expect to see a dramatic difference right away; be patient. Try turning her onto some sexual learning materials like Nerve.com. If all else fails, and Frank will hit you with the brutal truth, just know that not all lovers are cut out for a degree from RIIF.

FRANK: Before we look into contingency plans, K.I.N.K.—just in case the “talking about our feelings” approach fails to fan the flames of your libido—I want to welcome all of you back, dear readers, to our fabulous column!

True, we neglected to say goodbye to you last semester, but we’re really sorry, and now we want you back. So forgive us bad boyfriends, and remember to submit all of your sex and sex-related queries to thehardybrothers.thepost@gmail.com. That snowstorm—like there was anything else to do but…brainstorm questions?

But back to you, K.I.N.K., your question brings to mind something an acting teacher once said to me: “I’m not stupid enough to tell you there isn’t such a thing as talent; there is.” We here at Brown have been conditioned to believe that everything we know and do has also been conditioned in us or is a reaction to said conditioning. Sexy isn’t something one is, it’s something one acts (which is why, for example, Justin Timberlake might be required to “bring it back”). But, eventually one butts up against the hard, immovable edifice of talent. Sexy: you’ve either got it or you don’t.

If talking doesn’t work, you might want to consider whether you and your girlfriend are really all that sexually compatible. It is possible to get along swimmingly and still have bad sex (see Sex and the City Episode 76: “Great Sexpectations”). If you want that elusive “amazing blow job” Papa Hardy promises, you may have to look elsewhere. It doesn’t make you a bad person to end a relationship you’ve put time and effort into because the sex is boring; in fact, it’s probably better than the alternative places a lack of sexual satisfaction can lead you.

But lest we leave you on a Hardy downer, I want to suggest that you know your relationship better than anyone else, and the lack of kink in your life might merely be a temporary obstacle. After all, if you’re having “koitus” with a “k,” maybe the sex is better than you think.

—xoxo The Hardy Brothers