Do You Fell-Hate Me?

the hardy brothers

Dear Hardy Brothers,

My boyfriend gives me fellatio from time to time, but I can tell that he doesn’t particularly enjoy it. It’s not just that it seems like a chore when he blows me, but also that I “s” his “d” regularly — and with enthusiasm, too. Is there any way for me to turn his sucking around?

Yours truly,

The Succubus

Joe: If you can stomach its vaguely misogynistic, heteronormative bullshit, offers “The Ultimate Fellatio Test.” Send it to your partner “as a joke” and you can compare scores. More importantly, you can break the ice on the matter, trade stories and notes, and get to the bottom of his crisis of will.

OkCupid breaks down mouth-hugging skills into three categories: experience, expertise, and enthusiasm. For me, the last category reigns supreme. Experience can be earned, expertise can be gleaned, but enthusiasm is the ultimate intangible. Eagerness to please can easily overcome any shortfalls in technique or experience. A note to the uncertain reader: enthusiasm doesn’t mean you have to give head like Popeye takes down a can of spinach; it just means that pleasing your partner shouldn’t seem painful.

Parlay the survey into an investigation of his past history. His blowjob apathy may be the result of a traumatic experience or previous boyfriend who didn’t enjoy receiving head. If so, these issues can be worked through, but it may take a while until he’s blowing like Chernobyl. If not, and sufficient sleuthing proves that selfishness or lethargy is the root cause, T.S., don’t hesitate to dump the motherf*cker.

If a legitimate excuse forces you to circumvent the blowjob for a while, capitalize on the situation by exploring mutually desired, but otherwise uncharted territory. Our previous columns have thoroughly rehearsed other pathways to pleasure, so let me just stress enthusiasm for the time being.

If the initial conversation fails to produce blowjob gusto, advise him to heed Prince’s example: “I’ll give you Head, ‘til you’re burning up / Head, ‘til you get enough / Head, ‘til your love is read / Head, Love you ‘til you’re dead.”

Frank:              Alright, here’s the deal. Story Time: okay, so I’m in the C.H.C. the other day (that’s the College Hill Café for all you hoodlums out there who haven’t bothered to learn your acronyms, and, oh yeah, all you sophomore girls who take up all the f*cking seating in that place), and I’m waiting for a grilled cheese to come. WTF, right — who actually orders that? So anyway, I’m waiting, and I’m hovering around the magazine racks, and I see Lady Gaga on the cover of a magazine, and then I see that that magazine is Cosmo, so I’m really sold. And I pick the thing up, and on the cover they’re advertising a story that’s too scandalous for them to actually print what it’s about on the cover. I’m intrigued, and the thing’s already in my hands, and the grilled cheese has another few minutes to go, at least, so I open up the magazine, and I flip through the pages looking for the story, and I’m so excited to discover what it is, exactly, that Cosmo of all magazines won’t print on their cover, and…

It turns out it’s a boring, standard issue article about oral sex. F*ck — foiled again by the women’s mag industry! Only Cosmo claims that the words “oral sex” are so shocking to some people, still, in 2010, that they can’t even print them on their cover (I suspect that this is a lie. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them print the words “oral sex” on their cover before, but I’m just telling it like it happened).

Anyway, the whole thing’s pretty f*cking stupid and infuriating and makes me want to organize some kind of event — maybe at List, even — in which students drink Brown-funded alcohol and direct the mouths of their Dionysian revelry to some genitals—know what I’m saying? What the f*ck are you so afraid of, world?! You’ll stick your dick in it or let a dick be stuck in it but you won’t put your mouth on it—what kind of sense does that make? Oh, right, it doesn’t.

But back to this event, people love sex-ed events here (500 people came to Salomon in the rain last week to hear about the female orgasm for the 14th time), and what better sex-ed event than a practicum? With booze. Goddamnit, Brown. Stop talking about f*cking so f*cking much and actually start doing it. And don’t forget about oral, either. It’s for everybody, even you out there who’s saying it isn’t—just like feminism.

Ask The Succubus.

—xoxo The Hardy Brothers