So, you and your friends are going to The Turn of the Screw, but you wish your whole operatic evening could just be a bit… more… snobby. We here at Brown Opera Productions understand your problem! Here are some tips on how to feel perfectly superior to everyone around you as you take in the opera.

1. Paper Invitations. Text messages and (god forbid!) facebook invitations just won’t do for a night like this. Send out your wax-sealed letters (we assume you have your family seal ready for occasions just like this!) and request paper RSVPs to ensure that your dining companions are as committed to this evening as you are.

2. A Classy Meal. Crafting a beautiful feast in a dorm kitchen can be a challenge, but we’re sure your servants can be creative if you just believe in them! Tiny hors d’oeuvres (the smaller, the classier) are recommended, as are any animals with shells (lobster, escargot, crab, mussels). Wine, of course, is essential–and none of that blue-label shit either. You might be tempted by that buy-one-get-one-half-off deal. But your guests will know. Oh, they’ll know.

3. Appropriate Attire. Black tie, of course, complete with nasty glances at any other opera attendees who have succumbed to modern degradations and dress in anything less than their best.

4. Speak a Foreign Language the Entire Night. That High School AP exam was actually good for something–convince your compatriots that you’re not American! Operas are best performed in other languages (to minimize accessibility to the Masses). Sadly, The Turn of the Screw is in English, so just make sure English isn’t your first language. If a fluent European language isn’t available (German, French, and Italian are ideal; Spanish works in emergencies) at least attempt a British accent.

5. Above All Else, Don’t Enjoy the Opera. This is extremely important! Your ‘friends’ might claim to be moved and impressed by The Turn of the Screw‘s breathtaking visuals, gorgeous music, and creepy story, but you’d better not let your enjoyment show. Just raise that nose in the air and complain about how young people are ruining the theatre. The more offended you are, the better your night!