Frank: Dear F*ckers,
Apparently no one has any questions this week, so unfortunately for you, Joe and I, who in the meantime have become more and more like Norman Mailer, each in our own ways (I, for instance, have become astonishingly petty), are going to write to you, in the tradition of our forefather, “as if [we] were talking in [our] living room, or in yours…[our] opinions will be half-formed, if not totally inarticulate, but at least they can be awkwardly close to the questions [we are] really thinking about” (Advertisements for Myself, 287). Yep—just like Old No’man [sic] used to do, as punishment to all of you reading this right now, for giving up on the column. The Hardy Brothers is a participatory democracy, people. That’s the whole concept. Get with it. Didn’t you see anything in Lulu that confused you? Don’t you have any thoughts about the Dionysian oral sex party sponsored by the CAC in List I proposed last week? Am I the only one who wants to go to that instead of some senior ice skating night with complimentary Brown flavored water or whatever the f*ck it is? People, we give you so much! Use your imaginations, at least. Ask questions.
Alright. Well, since you’ve left us to our own devices, this week I’ve decided to write about how sex with a new partner is not like sex your first time. This statement is obvious, but is worth expounding upon. I feel the subject matter is also seasonally appropriate since spring is traditionally a time of new life and sexual blossoming, which means…NEW PARTNERS and GENDER CONFUSION (okay, now everyone read Spring Awakening—ready, set, go!). If we put the latter on hold for this column, I’m totally serious; if everyone doesn’t start having sex with each other soon like something out of a Bosch painting, I’m gonna kill myself from boredom or start writing for Perez Hilton.
So, New Partners in Three Parts, in honor of Wallace Shawn: 1. When you have sex with a new partner, you want to perform well. The same goes for your First Time. The difference between the two is that by the time you understand the concept of a new partner, you also understand the concept of what it means to perform well. 2. What does it mean, then, when you don’t perform well (Hegel asked this question a lot)? Well, it kind of doesn’t mean anything. It’s just disappointing, but only slightly so. If you f*ck up your First Time, you want to weep, cut off your penis, weep some more, and throw yourself off a bridge to prevent the partner you’ve just failed with from seeing any of this. It will also prevent them from recovering your body and re-attaching your penis (embarrassing), or not re-attaching your penis (more embarrassing), and the person you lost your virginity to will also tell everyone that you were a good lay even though you were terrible because that’s how we talk about the dead in this great country. 3. In conclusion, sex doesn’t matter as much after your First Time because you never feel like you do in 2. again.
4. Therefore…well, you can draw your own conclusions. I’m gonna go drink a beer and think about space travel. Till next week…Love, Frank.
***
Joe: I f*cking hate it when Frank does his space travel thing. It’s like watching a stoned reading of The Elegant Universe, only more pretentious. So please, Brunonians, stop f*cking us and yield some questions already. If your own sex lives are so boring such that you have no quandaries, no concerns, and no conundrums with which to confront us, here are some examples of some crazy ass f*cking (described or partaken in by your publicly elected officials) that you should know about:
1) Johnny Be Good: John Edwards, The Daily Beast tells us, threw his pregnant girlfriend against the headboard of their hotel bed and went down on her while she videoed the whole thing during his fall of ‘07 presidential run. He may be a fraud and a shitty public speaker (anyone see that fiasco in Salomon 101 last spring?), but you have to applaud his bravado. Make more sex tapes, people.
2) No Wiggling Required: Last month, New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliot offered her take on anal sex during a hearing on gay marriage: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wriggling it around in excrement…And you have to think, I’m not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?”
C’mon Nance! You should know that you’re not supposed to do it there unless you’ve already taken a doodoo! Same goes for you guys and gals. But, seriously, try it. Make up for our minimal anal (still only ¼ of a time), and write us about it.
3) Jail Bait Tickle Fight: First, don’t do anything like Kevin Garn, the Republican State Rep. in Utah that skinny dipped in a hot-tub with a 15-year-old in 2002, then paid her $150,000 to stay quiet. Stay away from Hope High School, the Wheeler School, and large tubs of hot water, and you should be covered on this front. Also, while we’re at it, don’t get into a tickle fight with your friends if it makes them uncomfortable. New York Rep. Eric Massa is learning that lesson the hard way, offering his resignation at the same time that news broke that he was groping male staffers in the office.
So Ladies and Gentleman, don’t veil your bigotry (or anal sex) in “excrement.” Don’t (almost) commit statutory rape, or touch people in ways that make them feel uncomfortable. But, do have sex on videotape with enthusiasm, remember last week?!
Most of all, take heed: this is what we look like when you don’t love us with your words—disheveled, disorganized, hot and bothered, verbose and aching with lust. Please love us again, we miss you. Write to us about your sex. Write to us, period. The dawn of spring has renewed our virile vigor and refueled our tanks of testosterone. Providence is so beautiful in March, and we all want someone to share it with us. Our treat.
—-xoxo The Hardy Brothers
