Practical Tips for Going Dionysian Over Spring Weekend

the hardy brothers

This week in The Hardy Brothers: Special Edition, we bring you a menu of sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll and other delightful things to guide, inspire and, of course, help you plan your Spring Weekend meals (just like The Joy of Cooking, only with controlled substances, music and f*cking in place of food). This weekend and this weekend only, when in doubt, take the blue pill. Say yes instead of no. Tip your drink all the way back, and be sure to swallow:


…because the only thing better than a Friday afternoon is a drunk!! Friday afternoon…

Gin & Tonic….the summertime classic, good for outdoor sipping.

Spliff….also known as pot, weed, herb, ganja, trees et al, it can be served in joint form, blunt form, pipe form, etc. The spliff is perfect for an afternoon of main green grazing. The taste of a cigarette + the effects of wacky tobaccy = hooray for boobies!

Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka & Anything….the Prov Town “high season” classic. Trashier than the old-time G&T to be sure, but kinder, gentler, and sweeter too. Best for a hot day.

Coke & Wet….even though Spank Rock and his crew won’t be gracing us this weekend as performers (but as guests, who knows?), you can still get down like him before the show on Friday (hell, you can do it while listening to the eponymous song too!). Just make sure you don’t get too f*cked up to go to the show, though. Sometimes Spank struggles with that.

Dark & Stormy….lighter than its ominous name suggests, this refreshing, gingery, limey rum concoction is great for when the electro starts playing and things get intense. Also good in case of rain.


…menu designed by BCA. no substitutions please…

MGMT….mystical, ethereal, but also hard and pounding—the sounds of MGMT are the perfect grooves to light your fire. Pull your lover into the anthropology building (stage right) or the hockey rinks’ bleachers and shock them with your “electric feel.”

Snoop Dogg….as native West-coasters, we Hardy brothers are partial to the velvety sounds of Snoop’s voice riding a g-funk beat. It makes us want to drop it like it’s hot. We hear that Snoop is still making adult entertainment videos, so be careful, otherwise you might end up in Snoop’s Bio-Med Bunnies Pt. 7.

Binder….Dave sings happy songs about peace and love, but if we know Wristonites like we think we do, Sunday is going to be about a different kind of catharsis. Steal some steak and lobster from Sigma Chi, and grab one of the near-nude masses. Play in the grass or in one of the surrounding rooms. Either way, it’s guaranteed to be Sunday Funday.


…combine your entree with…

Alcohol!…the common Brunonian’s means of heightening bodily pleasures. There’s little wonder why so many people joined the Facebook group “I hate everything except being drunk and f*cking.” In fact, I’m drunk right now. No, really. I am. And hopefully about to fuck.

Marijuana!… get like the Na’vi and rally around the tree of life. Smoking pot makes everything better. Just ask Snoop Dogg, who is reported to smoke between 10 and 100 joints per day.

Amphetamines….if you’ve already put away a Coke & Wet or two earlier, never fear. Like my large, in charge and livin’ large grandmother used to say, coke goes with coke goes with coke (this was before the assisted living facility started regulating her meds more tightly). Or any other uppers, for that matter; they go together magically, like a pair of socks. We’d pair this portable, discreet side (by which we mean you avoid lighting up in front of plainclothes D.P.S. officers) with Friday night and Major Lazer. When the totally insane tribal strains of “Pon De Floor” start shattering the campus’s 200-year-old architecture, you’re gonna want a little uppity confidence to shake your ass accordingly, and then later in Slater or Littlefield. Just make sure your increased stamina makes you stronger but doesn’t kill you, you hear?

Ecstasy….are you the happiest student in the country? If so, why not blow your lid off with that other little white powder? While you’ll certainly be able to get down with the stuff on either Friday’s night of electro-stars or the hip-hop Gothic blues rock variety show on Saturday, some people find that almost child-like euphoria and a desire to touch interesting fabrics, even skin, does not necessarily translate into a night of Hardiness if you know what we mean. If you’ve got a date, or a prospect, or someone you want to scramble (or be scrambled by) during the senior binge-everything festival known as Spring, take it on Saturday in the late morning/early afternoon; after some quiet time and a little help from your friends, you’ll be ready for the raging Saturday night guaranteed to be going down.

Acid….possibly the best way to experience/understand Major Lazer, if, like explorer Ernest Shackleton, you like your adventures to be extremely challenging, occasionally Antarctic and possibly fatal. Not recommended for the uninitiated or faint of heart. All those speakers and all those people and all those shadows and glow lights of Friday night’s concert will make for either a really awesome or a really terrifying journey. Not to be combined with sex interests (when reality is melting, somehow sex isn’t really on your mind), it is a great way to bond with an old lover, hookup or whatever, since when you’re on acid, the only people you can trust are your fellow adventurers.


…for coming down after the party

(and after the after-party)…

‘Shrooms of the Day (Chef’s Selection)

Cheese Plate

Space Cakes


Opiate Tasting Flute (x3)….Vicodin, OxyContin, Heroin.1

1 Note: Make sure you don’t have anywhere to be (or drive) for a while before preparing and/or serving to guests.