“Ahoy, mateys!” would be an appropriate greeting to the sources of my hangover on a typical Sunday morning. It’s not unusual for me to wake up next to my favorite sea-faring swashbucklers staring back at me from behind their eye patches: Captain Morgan, Sailor Jerry, and Admiral Nelson. Though Cap’n Mo’ (as my roommate and I affectionately call the 1.75L glass handle that’s become a fixture on our “liquor shelf”) and I have been friends for longer than I care to recount , the Sailor, Admiral and I first met at Brown as I adjusted to dorm life — and a dorm budget. Given the frequency with which I enjoy the company of my pirate friends, and bearing in mind the sorry state of my bank account, I set out to determine which rum will enable you to enjoy the (fermented) fruit of your labor most economically.

For some, the price difference may be negligible—$23 for a handle of Captain, compared to $20 for Sailor, and $16 for Admiral—but for most of us, $7 is no laughing matter. (Last week, $7 was just over what it cost me to do my laundry, just under the price of a late-night burrito that saved me from Friday morning alcohol-induced misery, and exactly what I spent to avoid hypothermia on a cab ride up the hill from the train station.)

So let’s do the math. A handle contains about 60 ounces of liquor, the equivalent of 40 shots. Captain Morgan is roughly one-third alcohol. By that reasoning, at $23 for a handle, I’m paying about  $1.10 for every ounce of alcohol. For $20 a handle at 46% alcohol, Sailor Jerry costs 75 cents per ounce of alcohol. Rounding out the group, at $16 and 40%, the Admiral costs a mere 66 cents per ounce of alcohol, making it the cheapest option by far.

Granted, money isn’t everything. There’s something to be said for indulging your taste buds, even in an economic downturn. Taking shots of Captain Morgan is almost pleasant. Chased down with a Coca-Cola, the sweet vanilla flavor is far more noticeable than the alcoholic tickle at the back of your throat. If you prefer mixed drinks, a Cap’n Mo’ and Coke on the rocks is reminiscent of a cold Vanilla Coke, with a hint of caramel and a sweet, just vaguely alcoholic aftertaste. My preferred method of consumption? Half-and-half shots—a phenomenon that my roommate introduced me to, which has facilitated many a legendary night out in Brunonia. Pour equal parts chilled rum and Coke (to be fair, I’m usually a bit more heavy-handed with the rum) into your shot glass, and throw it back. They go down so quickly, it’s easy to keep ‘em coming.

Sailor Jerry is a bit trickier. If the Captain “tickles” as it goes down, the Sailor creates more of a dull burn, and the taste of alcohol is much harder to mask. Though calorie-counters might use diet soda to prepare their Cap’n and Cokes, I recommend using the real, sugary stuff if you’re mixing it with Jerry. This rum is decidedly spicier than the Captain, and the Coke’s sugar adds balance. The label bears a buxom brunette seductively lounging below the words “Sailor Beware”—I suggest you heed her warning. If you must take shots, take a sip of Coke before as well as after. I promise, your taste buds will thank me.

And then there’s Admiral Nelson. I admit, I was skeptical of the Admiral when I found him sitting alone atop my liquor shelf, soon after I returned from winter break. The bottle was plastic and the scent cloyingly sweet, yet nauseatingly alcoholic. Despite my trepidation, I found that this rum was mellower in the mouth than the Sailor and gentler going down. It had the distinct vanilla flavor I associate with Mo’, but a little spicier—too heavy to use for half-and-half shots, but perfect for the Coke-shot-Coke routine. The Admiral turned out to be the perfect date—a subtle buccaneer, not too hands-on, and definitely most memorable. The morning after, I woke up with my boots on.