post- happy hour

eat and be merry

Ernest Hemingway famously said: “Write drunk; edit sober.” This semester, the editors are taking Hemingway’s advice to heart—or at least half of it. We’re bringing back a Post- tradition: The Editors’ Column. Every other week, one of us will sit down with a drink and tackle some of the most pressing questions that plague us as Brown students. We’ll post our responses here. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

This is an article about a thing I would change about Brown. The thing I would change about Brown is that its orientation, frankly, sucks. I had to try so damn hard to meet people during orientation and that seems really unnecessary. My friend A is timing me for 1 minute and 30 seconds to type as if I am sober. Which I am not. I tried SOOOOO hard and yet it was still hard. My sister goes to a small liberal arts school where they gave them LITERALLY ONE MILLION opportunities to meet people but instead of Browns’ dumbass thing where they like give you a million stupid activities where u can meet 1 human in the crowd OF all of the humans at this university who are tiny freshmen who do not know anything about the universe and certainly not about how to make lasting friendships. None of us do, because we are scared, and that is why this is the most nervous I have ever been at Brown, which was maybe the most nervous I’ve been at Brown, which was another thing I was told I could maybe write about. I was very nervous. Like SO nervous. Probably most people were as A who is perfect has just verified for me SOOOOO nervous but they were much better at hiding it than me, although I did not meet me, I was me, so maybe I did I don’t know. I tried very very very h ard to meet people and like organized lunches and stuff and then I made friens anthey are still my housing group today.  Which is nice. But also I spend a lot of time with my friends form extracurriculars that I do. But at the time exracurriucalrs wer ecsary and groups of wpeople were scary (none of those words were spelled correctly I am so sorry gods of editing) (A has commended me for my writing 10/10 would recommend in her exact literal human words). (She says “As opposed to the alien words which I sometimes say,” I have never heard her speak a language that is not English or French she is drunk but I have definitely never heard her “parle “ une langue que n’est pas le “franciais” dans ses mots. Anyway groups of people were scary. In my #1 exracurrialty I have tried to figure out a lot of times who I hung out with freshman year and frankly it is a mystery to me. I also don’t know what other extracurriculars I did. I can think of a few and there are human beings that I know from them but I wouldn’t say we are bosom buddies. Is that  a prhase? Ok. Good. I hate yping “ok” that way because it it looks dumb (A agrees) but also it reminds me of my ex, which fuck that. Anyway. Good. Extracurriclars. I still know some people who don’t do ANY which is mind boggling to me because like why? They are great and a way to spend yojur time and some of them will help get you jobs and some of them will help make friend sthat will be at your wedding or if you don’t get married will get drunk with you because you don’t want to get married and either way you are perfect. (A: this is my favorite piece of literature THAT HAS exitested in all of space and time. A, you are pefect and wonderful. I love you never change.) They also get drunk with you.  But the firneds you make during orientation are also great because they are your friends. Some of them are maybe not 100000000% percent com[atible withy oub ut you have a vested interest, so li,e, hey, whatever. You’re firnes. But the friends you pick and like a lot are the best firneds and many of thos are extracurric friends so why not. Good. Okay. Friends are the best, and I think I said I was talking about what I’d change at Brown, so another thing. if brown weren’t called BROWN we doculd have a color that isn’t the WORST. Crimson is nice but BROWN IS THE WORST. IT IS MUD COLORED AND IT SUCKS. Yale has better colors. So does Harvard and like even Cornell what the hell I don’t even know what their colors are which I should because I have friends that go there oh it’s red because big red, big red what, but like, better that brown. Anyway. Our orientation could be so much better and let’s be real does ANYONE like the ratty after like maybe octorber. “French Taco Sandwich” aka let’s defrost all the crap we have in our freezer and boil it together. ENJOY, CHILDREN.  IT IS TASTY. I AM THE WITCH OF THE FOREST. EAT AND BE MERRY. Anyway I have reached my word cap, so in conclusion, UNIVERSITY, make the orientation program less stressful for all human frehsmen and also whatever, (A: leave it stressful for the alien freshmen; author’s note she is also durnk and she says leave them stressful fo rht ealien freshmen so whatever). And also, Fix Our Colors. Do Better, Brown University. I will Call You Moses Human Purple University For the Rest of Forever. Amen.