post- happy hour

my least favorite places

Ernest Hemingway famously said: “Write drunk; edit sober.” This semester, the editors are taking Hemingway’s advice to heart—or at least half of it. We’re bringing back a Post- tradition: The Editors’ Column. Every other week, one of us will sit down with a drink and tackle some of the most pressing questions that plague us as Brown students. We’ll post our responses here. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Note: The author of this piece took a hit of marijuana every time she had to look something up (noted with an asterisk), and took a drink of Fireball whiskey every time she went back to correct a grammatical error. The prompt was “What is your favorite spot on Brown’s campus?” but she thought it would be more fun to write about her least favorite places. So, here we are.

Alright, so we’re going to start out talking about the Sciences Library.

What I hate most about the Scili is the atmosphere. I believe it was the great Augustus Water who said the famous line “That’s the thing about pain—it demands to be felt.”* That’s how I tend to feel about the scili—no matter what happened to me during the day, I can’t stop laughing omg , no matter what happened to me during the day, the Scili demands that I feel it. This morning, for instance, when I walked into the Scili, I felt like a massive shadow of malady and woe was cascading over me and drowning me in its dark purple hues of shit. That’s a good comparision between the rock and the scili, actually. The Rock is like Niagra Falls, and the Scili is like Niagra Falls but if it were made out of poop. It radiates misery like the radiator in my room radiates heat—sporadically, loudly, and way, way too much.

Apparently, according to its website, the SciLi includes books from areas such as medicine, neural science (is thsat the same as neuroscience? I’m not sure and my hands are like floating right now), environmental science, geology (are those not the same thing?), chemistry, greology (whoops I said that twice), physics, computer science, the pure and applied mathematics (is there any sort of inferiority complex among applied math people, that is, that teyh’re only applied math and not pure enough ot bea considered as such?), and other stuff (yeah what about cognitive science? Cmon Brown site don’t disrespect my major).* Apparentlym it also was supposed to be super fucking ugly, but instead was built as only moderately ugly . I know this because I saw plans in the scili and also apparently there are like 12 plans that exist* for it except they only picked one and that one ended up being the least ugly one (did you know they have the old plans for the scili in the SCILI? Like the reject ones isn’t that crazy?) but that means that this one is uglier than some of them, which means that some of those are literally so ugly I think I would faint if I saw them (I didn’t, because I saw them in the scili already, but you get the idea).

Drinks: 5
Hits: 3

My head feels like it’s filled with air bubbles. Seriously, I am flying right now. Anyways, Perkins.

Here’s the thing about Perkins: It’s literally as bad as it sounds.

Like, I heard all these rumrs about Perksins, ritght? Everyone was like “yeah it’s terrible, everything sucks, it’s the worst dorm” etc. etc., but the funny thing is that I never reall y believed them .it’s kind of like when you hear lots of people omcplinaing about a professor and you’re like “okay but they’re probably just exaggerating, the professor’s probably great but just assigns a lot of homework or something.” But I had to stay in Perkins last year and let me tell you, it was as batd as it sounds and worse.The room I ahd to stay in when I was amaliciously assigned to live there over commencement weekend was about six inches long and three inches wide, and the mattresses were made of like cardboard and horse pooppp (at least judging from the smell). The bathrooms were actually so gross that I actually broke into Andrews to shower (this column is anonymous, right)? I am so sorry to people who live in Perkins, but I’m so grateful for my decent lottery number. Holy fuck I am grateful that I don’t live there. It literally does not have a single redeeming qdafality .

Apparently Perkins was onwed by a guy named Bryant*, and was originally not part of this college. Well, hat explains a lot, both about why we have a dorm so far from civilization and also why I sucks so much. I mean we bought it from another college so probably we just don’t care about it that much because it doesn’t belong to us. Actually that’s probably not true. No causation provable there.

Wait what? Oay so I just looked up who the building is named after and apparently it’s some guy named Fred B. Perkins*, but literally there is no information available about this guy. Every single thing I google is related to the fact that this stupid dorm was named after him. Okay, so this is silly. Brown sohouldnt’ have a dorm that’s named after a guy who’s not even famous for dongi anything. Okay, from now on we are referring to Perkins Hall as Spaceship Bonaparte Jimmy Neutron Hall. There, glad I could be of service.

Drinks: 8
Hits: 4

Barus and Holley
Barus and holley is so fconfusing. Youd think because it’s a math and physics or whatever building, the rooms would be in numerical order like, you’d think they’d beinto this shit. But you’d nbe wrong, abstract second person pronoun. You’d be so gwrong. You’d think that room 168 would be between 167 and 169, but alas, not. It’s just in the middle of a sea of random other fucking numbers, like they just used to picked random numbers and assigne them to random rooms. Unless they assigned them alaphabetically but by the first letter the room number starts with, just to fuck with us. Ugh, Literlally hat this bilding more than anytihg. Except maybe when Swedish fuish get stuck in your etteeth. God, that sucks.

Hits: 5

I literally can’t stand ants. I can lift a gummy bear too, assholes. Like seriously, what is the whole deal with how strong ants are? I don’t get it. Like I guess proportionally they’re pretty strong* or I mean, no, but I get how if you do some math then they’re proportionally stronger but I can lift weay more than they can. Same thing with ants, like, I get that they’re all genius and they can make anthills and shit but look, I can make an anthill too, okay? I’d just have to like use my fingers and it would all be totally fine. I’m so much stronger than atns, seriously. Where’s my fucking entry in encyclopiedia britanica* about how smart and strong I am? Didn’t think so, dntredf thnk so

Drinks: 69,420
Hits: me baby one more time

So, there you have it! A list of animals I absolutely cant stand. I know ants aren’t really an animal, they’re kind oflike, an insect, but I included them anyway because I used to have this boyfriend who called me “antie” and I thought it was so cute because he was saying I was yd so hayper and also I like to build things, but in and in retrospect that should have been a red flag, but now here we are.

Fuck it, im going to call him.