BFF, Bread Friends Forever

no bun intended

We all have friends that fall into a certain archetype. In the spirit of Tumblr “tag yourself” memes, I’d like to present these archetypes through some carby characters.

  1. Baguette. Baguettes are the friends that go to Europe for, like, one summer and therefore think they are oh-so-cultured. They also like things neat and tidy, and jump at the opportunity to point out how much of a mess you are. Baguettes find the pile of clothes on your bed personally offensive. Of course, you can’t help but admire them for being superb at adulting. After making the requisite snarky comments, they always show their love by helping you get your act together. Baguettes don’t mean any harm, really. They’re just particular people.
  2. Bagel. Everyone has the bagel friend, the one they can count on in any instance. They’re supportive, universally loved, and w(hole)some. Bagels will be there for you at 5:30 AM, after a tough all-nighter, to let you know that you’re doing great. They are endlessly considerate and selfless, but they need affirmation to assure them that their efforts are recognized. If you leave a bagel hanging, they turn hard and tough. Don’t let that happen. Keep your precious bagel friend warm and soft by showering them with affirmation. They are always trying their best.
  3. Croissant. Croissants are notoriously flaky, devoted to showing up at least five minutes late to everything. It’s gotten to a point where they don’t bother apologizing for it anymore, it’s just who they are as a person. Despite this, you still love your croissant friend because they don’t take life too seriously. They are full of buttery, fluffy ideals that you can’t help but appreciate, but you still wish they’d show up on time. There is always a croissant in your friend group. If you don’t know who it is, it’s probably you.
  4. Pretzel. This friend always seems to be a bit salty. You don’t like bringing up any recent accomplishments because you know what kind of reaction they will have. They’re the type of friend to subtweet you, and then deny it when you bring it up. Although pretzels always have their knickers in a twist, treat them delicately. They just have low self-esteem and can be sweet if you give them the chance. Auntie Anne’s, anyone?
  5. Toast. Toast is your most popular friend, the one everyone knows and loves. They just seem to be good at everything. You can’t efficiently walk anywhere with your toast friend because they run into an acquaintance about every five steps. When you think about it, though, they’re kind of one-dimensional (this is the pretzel side of you speaking). Toast is someone who can easily assimilate into any friend group. One week, it’s peanut butter and jelly, and another, it’s ham and cheese. What is the truth?
  6. Jelly Donut. Unlike toast, the jelly donut is hard to read. Some people might think jelly donuts are quiet and unassuming, but you know that they’re gushing with interesting ideas and thoughts. The jelly donut prefers to spend Fridays inside, invested in a Netflix binge and some leftover Thai food. They’ll agree to go to a party with you just to be a good friend, but might subtly slink away some time in the course of the night if they aren’t feeling it. Don’t leave Jelly Donuts alone at a party—they hate that. If you happen to see a Jelly Donut at a party, engage them in conversation, it’ll be a good talk guaranteed.
  7. Grilled Cheese. The Grilled Cheese friend is a serial punner, and is often the only one amused at the joke they made. They rejoice in all things cheesy, and are constantly looking for a way to make a dad joke, even in highly inappropriate situations (like that one time your cat Mango died, and they patted your back, solemnly saying that “her heart will mango on”). Their awkward timing always seems to work out, though. You can always count on them to make you smile.
  8. Bread from that meme where you put sliced bread around your dog’s face. This friend is the memer, and is probably best friends with Grilled Cheese. The doge bread friend is always tapping into their archival Reddit and Tumblr meme knowledge base. Often, you don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s as if they’re speaking some alien language. When you don’t get their meme reference, they sigh and say, “You don’t understand.” If you try to relate to them by tagging them in a Facebook meme, they’ll tell you they already saw it five months ago.
  9. Gluten-free Bread. This bread is your group’s token vegan/vocal environmentalist. If GF catches you brushing your teeth with running water, getting beef with your Andrews pho, or throwing recyclables into the trash, they give you some serious shade. GF is just looking out for this world, though. They try hard because they genuinely care. It’s not easy being that friend. Listen to their spiel, because in fifty years, we might have to evacuate this joint.
  10. Brioche Sandwich. This friend is trendy and spendy. If they ask you to hang out, it will most likely be a brunch date or shopping trip. Brioches pout a little when you say you don’t want to eat out, but they probably use their parent’s credit card. Even if this friend is a little extra, they’re willing to put their high-maintenance lifestyle aside to spend time with thrifty friends like you.
  11. French Toast. Why is everyone obsessed with French Toast? This is the friend that seems to attract a lot of attention, but you aren’t exactly sure why. To you, French Toast is just soggy bread that tastes like eggs. They somehow come up in every conversation, and you are eternally bewildered about what I like to call the “French Toast phenomenon.”
  12. Pound Cake. “What?” Pound cake pals are the ones that never seem to understand what’s going on. You have to explain something about five or six times before you get through to them. If you make plans to meet up at Blue State Coffee, they’ll probably mishear you and end up at the Blue Room. Although they are a bit dense, you appreciate their pureness and good nature. Pound cakes keep you grounded with their ability to roll with the punches.
  13. Whole Wheat Bread. They’re always around, but they bring some bad vibes. They always have an artillery of problematic, snarky comments that kill the mood. Your group roasts Whole Wheat behind their back because everyone is afraid of confrontation. Instead of calling Wheat out, you just slip them some daily passive aggression and form a separate group chat.
  14. End Piece of Loaf. You feel bad, because you always forget about the loaf fri(end). They somehow slip everyone’s mind when the group is making plans. These are the friends that make a comment that nobody hears and/or acknowledges. But hey, loaf ends are important, they hold the group together. Once you notice their absence, you’ll miss them. Show your loaf end friend some love over the long weekend!