why seasons suck

a definitive ranking of seasons from worst to best

As fall turns into winter slowly and less brutally than I expected (thanks, climate change), I am once again forced to reflect on why I have so much hate in my heart for the seasons.

I spent the first 19 years of my life in sunny, tropical Sri Lanka, five degrees above the equator. The only season I had experienced was monsoon season, when the rain pours down, and yet, even then, the 80–95 degree temperature remains very much the same. Coming to college on the East Coast was a revelation, a rude awakening; I had once thought seasons were just an opportunity to add a few layers to my wardrobe. Now, I know better.

And so, I present a definitive ranking of seasons from worst to best.

  1. Winter

Pros:

  •      Time for family

Winter break is a time to go home and hang out with your family. Show them you appreciate them.

  •      Pretty

If you’re into blindingly bright snowy landscapes and leafless trees, that is.

Cons:

  •      Too cold

You can’t go outside because the cold makes your eyes tear up and then the tears freeze and it feels like winter is taking the time to gently stab you in the face.

  •      Too dry

Your lips are always chapped no matter how much chapstick you use. Your skin is dry and itchy, and eczema flares up. It’s unpleasant.

  •      It gets dark at 3 p.m.

You’re still expected to do the things a productive human does, like go to class and do homework, which is completely unreasonable. Back in the old days when they didn’t have electricity, people would go to bed when darkness fell. Ah, to be back in the good old days, when darkness resulted in sleep, centralized heating didn’t exist, most diseases didn’t have cures, and people were even more systematically oppressed.

  •      Time for family

Enough said.

  •      Snow (as it’s coming down)

It’s like rain except it takes longer for you to realize that all your clothes are damp.

  •      Snow (on the ground)

It’s pretty for .25 seconds and then it’s cold, muddy slush. It also does that melting and refreezing thing, and then every time you go outside you slip. Maybe you’re really good at catching yourself after years of falling, but the lurch in your stomach when you start to go down will always be deeply unpleasant.

  •      Everything is dead

The leaves, the grass, your soul.

  1. Fall

Pros:

  •      Pretty

Fall colors are always beautiful, like a sunset made up of discrete parts

  •      Fall clothing

Sweaters are comfy and cute. In fact, all outerwear is pretty great. Gloves and hats and jackets add something to an outfit that you just can’t convey with one layer of clothing. Every scarf is an opportunity to make a statement.

  •      Motherfuckin’ decorative gourds

A helpful tip: use the squashes you receive in your market share to decorate your room.

  •      That one extra hour of sleep you get on that one day

We all need more sleep.

Cons:

  •      Inconsistent

You have to look at the weather forecast every day because you never know what’s coming. Even when you do, you have to take three different kinds of outerwear because the temperature lies between 30 and 75, so you’re stuck in this hellish limbo, forever too cold or too warm. At least winter is consistent.

  •      Fallen leaves

Some people may say they like the feeling of walking on leaves, but they’re lying. Leaves suck. The sound is grating, it makes walking weird, and when it rains the leaves get slippery and you fall, and then your dumbass friend makes a pun about wet leaves warranting the season’s name. Also, someone has to clean that shit up. Overall, inconvenient.

  •      Still too dry

See ‘Too dry’ above under ‘Winter’

  •      Harbinger of winter

You might as well call it House Stark.

  1. Spring

Pros:

  •      Warmer than winter

It’s not just that it’s a little warmer, it’s that you know it’ll get even warmer as time goes on. It’s a beacon of hope, a reminder that summer will be here soon.

  •      Spring clothing

After months in that shapeless puffy winter coat and the beanie you wear when it’s too cold to go out with wet hair, you finally get to wear cute outfits, a cool jacket, and, hey, maybe even a hat.

  •      Pretty

After months of cold, ice-covered landscapes and perpetual muddy puddles, spring brings some green into view. Everything’s alive and the flowers bloom. Finally, some color on that achromatic environment.

Cons:

  •      Lasts around two weeks

In New England, winter goes until mid-April. In fact, it’s snowed in April for the last three years. Summer starts in early May. The groundhog lies, and this great season doesn’t get enough time to really show you what it’s about.

  •      That hour of sleep you lose out on that one day

We all need more sleep.

  •      Allergies

You can’t truly appreciate the beauty of Spring if your eyes water and your nose runs every time you go outside.

  1. Summer

Pros:

  •      Warm

It’s finally warm enough that you can keep the window open, wear T-shirts, and spend time outside. It feels like home.

  •      Humid

It’s finally humid enough that your skin isn’t itchy at all times. Your lips no longer bleed when you smile.

  •      Going to the beach

The Atlantic Ocean may be warmer than the Pacific, but it’s nowhere close to the Indian Ocean. It’ll do in a pinch, though. With summer, you not only have the time to go to the beach, but it’s finally an appropriate temperature. Walking into the ocean feels like relief, not a chore.

  •      The days are long

You can get so much done, like sleeping and reading and binge watching the new season of Orange is the New Black.

  •      Summer clothing

The easiest aesthetic. You only have to worry about one layer.

Cons:

  •      There are none.