• March 22, 2019 |

    analysis: colton’s bachelor finale

    the most dramatic recap in bachelor history

    article by , , illustrated by

    Arya Okten: Hi! This is Arya, and this is…

    Callie Zola: This is Callie!

    AO: …And we’re on post-, and we love The Bachelor! The finale, for all of you who didn’t know, aired this Monday and Tuesdaywhich, for us, was yesterday and the day before. And, in this season, the bachelor Colton, who is terrified and constantly heartbroken, finally chooses the one of the thirty women that he started with who is not interested in him (laughs). No, not really. Well, not completely.

    CZ: Is there anything to say about the beginning of the season? I don’t even remember it at this point…I know there was some good stuff happening…but it just escapes me.

    AO: I just feel as if, at the beginning, I was so naive and open-hearted. I was like, “Oh, I love Demi! I love the drama!” And then, when I was watching yesterday, I was just elated that I was about to finally be free from the prison that is watching The Bachelor.

    CZ: (laughs) I totally feel that.

    AO: Anyway, it was The Bachelor season finale yesterday and, if you’re reading this, you’ve probably been keeping up with the season. So you know that the events of the finale were largely kicked off by Cassie breaking up with Colton

    CZ: Last week!

    AO: Right, last week. And because, apparently, Colton doesn’t know how to take no for an answer, he jumps this eight-foot-tall fence and is like, “Cassie, I still love you.” I want to know: what were your thoughts on thatcute, or creepy?

    CZ: Uhm…(long pause)

    AO: (laughs)

    CZ: I think the way he explained it to her…he made it sound cute. I’m skipping ahead a little bit, but he was saying, “Oh, I jumped a fence for you,” and she was, you know, all giggly, and she was like, “Oh my god, Colton, that’s so romantic.” I mean, like, it was very dramaticwhich, as a viewer, I appreciate. As a person, I was kind of like…this is a lot.

    AO: Like, “This is so messed up.” (laughs)

    CZ: What I liked about it, I mean, what I think is so funny about it is that I’m sure that in the moment, the producers were thinking, Oh my god, this is crazy, Colton is lost in the woods. But, at the same time, they were probably thinking, Wow, if we find him, this is great TV.

    AO: Yeah, the entire time I was watching I was just thinking, Wow, I would not want to be that cameraman right now. Like, the level of pressure involved in making sure that you capture every last detail

    CZ: Chris Harrison suddenly doing the most work he’s done all season.

    AO: (wheeze) Chris literally wasn’t on the show before this episode (laughs).

    CZ: He’s calling the police and everything!

    AO: Yeah, yeah, okay. So, I see what you’re saying about how it’s kind of romantic, but it’s just that, to meso, here’s the thing. Colton has spent this entire season appearing in various clips where he’s crying and talking about how scared he is that he’s going to get to the end of this experience and the person that he picks won’t be ready for marriage.  

    CZ: We should have seen it coming…

    AO: Of course we should have! Everyone warned us! Kirpa warned us, Tayshia warned us, Katie warned us…

    CZ: I know…

    AO: And people were really on Caelynn and Cassie’s side, you know? Like, they were saying that Kirpa and Tayshia were just flat-out lying, that they were the worst. And I personally sided with Kirpa and Tayshia because I was like…they seem to have a point. Cassie especially doesn’t seem particularly prepared for marriage.

    CZ:  No, like, II don’t love throwing names under the bus because it just gets so messy. But I don’t know…I mean, I like all four of the women involved in the drama, but we do have to acknowledge that, at the end of the day, it turned out that Kirpa and Tayshia were right. They were like, “Cassie can’t get married,” and she was like, “No, I can,” and then literally the next week she was like, “Colton…I’m so sorry…I can’t…”

    AO: (wheeze) You’re so right. Here’s the thing: I don’t want it to come off as if I’m admonishing a young, pretty 23-year-old for not being ready for marriage. She shouldn’t be! But then, why are you on the show?!!

    CZ: If you’re not ready, just don’t pretend to be!

    AO: And, look, I know that nobody is on the show for the right reasons but this is EGREGIOUS.

    CZ: (laughs)

    AO: It’s just so surprising to me that she went on The Bachelorwith COLTON when she kept talking about all of her valid misgivings about being engaged.

    CZ: Did you know that her sister is, like, D-list famous?

    AO: Yeah, she’s dating Gregg Sulkin! Love Gregg.

    CZ: Absolutely. And now, you know, her sister and Gregg and Cassie and Colton are, like, double datingspoiler alert. (laughs) So like, she obviously has this…celebrity factor…

    AO: You’re right. And you know, I hate to say that, because here’s the teaI was really rooting for Cassie right up until the Kirpa/Tayshia week.

    CZ: I really liked her! She was a frontrunner right from the beginning, right when she walked outI don’t even know what she had she had like a box of butterflies

    AO: Butterflies!

    CZ: Yes! Oh my god, Colton posted this thing on Instagram that was like

    AO: Oh my god, yes, I saw that! I saw that! Explain it for the viewers.

    CZ: So she had given himon the first night, upon the limo entranceshe had given him a box of butterflies because she was all, “I have butterflies in my stomach so let’s release them together,” and they were, like, plastic butterflies

    AO: (wheeze) Couldn’t even spring for real butterfliespathetic.

    CZ: (laughs) But it definitely cemented her as a frontrunner, and then last night he posted a picture to Instagram holding one of the butterflies, like, “I still have one.”

    AO: Well, you know, we saw him put one of the butterflies in his coat pocket that night, which was so cute

    CZ: So cute.

    AO: It just made me melt. And I really, really did like her right up until the week with the “Cassie’s not ready to be married” drama, because…I just felt like it showed such immaturity on her part. I thought she genuinely could have handled it much better.

    CZ: Yeah.

    AO: I just thought it was telling…like, her response to being accused of not being ready showed that she wasn’t, you know?

    CZ: Yeah, and like, not being ready is completely okay!

    AO: Absolutely.

    CZ: But it’s also not just that she wasn’t ready; it’s also partially that Colton…is just…kind of an emotional mess sometimes!

    AO: (sigh) Oh, Colton…

    CZ: What are your thoughts on him, in general?

    AO: I just (sigh)….he’s been on this franchise one too many times. There was the thing on The Bachelorette with Becca, and then Tia came on that season and was like, “Becca, you have to break up with him,” and it was this whole mess…

    CZ: And then he got back together with Tia on Bachelor in Paradise, and then that was messy again…and Colton was just like

    AO: Crying.

    CZ: a mess. But, hey, he ended that season well. He ended it strong, I felt like. He was like, “Okay, you know what? It’s time for me to leave and move on.”

    AO: Oh, Paradise? You think he left Paradise strong?

    CZ: Yeah!

    AO: Yeah, of course he left Paradise strong, because he was tapped for The Bachelor! And it was only then that he was like, “Tia, I’m finally going to be able to leave you.”

    CZ: (laughs)

    AO: Okay, let’s get back on track. The break-up with Tayshia was so devastating…

    CZ: Oh my god.

    AO: And then we saw the break up with Hannah G., which really threw me for a loop. I was like, I didn’t realize that you had a personality, but I’m seeing it now and I love you.

    CZ: I loved her! I’ve…lowkey been bashing Hannah G., not as in “I don’t like her,” but more like “I don’t know what her conversations are with Colton.”

    AO: Exactly, because all we’ve seen is them being like “Haha :)”

    CZ: Yeah, and, you know, etiquette class.

    AO: (laughs) Oh my god.

    CZ: But yeah, I was just so impressed by her both during the break-up and in the aftershow when she confronted him!

    AO: I also thought that it was really brave of her to confront him, and it was also just such a different approach than the one Tayshia took.

    CZ: Yeah, I think Tayshia was just already so done with him by the time of the aftershow, you know? And it’s so funny that it turns out that Colton was thinking Cassie, Hannah, and then Tayshia because I thought that Tayshia was a frontrunner as soon as they had the bungee date.

    AO: They had that date and then I felt like every date after was some form of physical exertionoh my god, do you remember the work out group date? The group gym date? This is unrelated, but I was so stressed out when I was watching that. I was like, imagine in five years when I (inevitably) make my debut on The Bachelor, imagine that the producers have the audacity to make me go to the gym, as a date, in front of ten other women.  

    CZ: (laughs)

    AO: Nicole struggling to do even one pull up!? That was me.

    CZ: Agreed.

    AO: OK, back to the finale. So Tayshia got broken up with, but we now realize that, you know, Hannah and Cassie both essentially had stronger relationships with Colton than she did. Still, of course, it’s heartbreaking

    CZ: What was so awful about that break-up was that SHE started comforting HIM!

    AO: (gasp) Oh my god, I completely forgot about that. My friend and I were watching the finale, and when that happened, we just immediately looked over at each other and were like, “What kind of messed up emotional labor is this!?” Literallythey go into the room without the cameras and you hear someone crying and you assume it’s Tayshia, but it’s not


    AO: (wheeze) Yes! And then you hear Tayshia going, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” and, my god, I was bamboozled! I was like “WHAT?”

    CZ: My thing is that…Colton has many, many flaws.

    AO: So many.

    CZ: But what makes him a good person to watch on TV is that he can be so easily emotionally manipulated by the producers.

    AO: I remember when Colton was first picked to be the bachelor and #bachelornation was like…why though. And Chris Harrison posted a tweet that essentially said that it was because he was easily manipulatable.

    CZ: Yeah, the producers couldn’t have imagined the things that he did in their wildest dreams. It’s so awful. It’s just so awful to me. Like, that break-up was so bad. He wasn’t looking at her, he wasn’t giving any kind of explanation, and, you know, she was trying to keep it together in front of the cameras and we obviously expected her to let it out behind closed doors. AND THEN, IT’S COLTON WHO’S CRYING.

    AO: And it’s only once Colton leaves that she lets herself cry!

    CZ: I know. It was just all so sad. I really liked Tayshia. She seems sweet. I don’t know. I just feel like Colton is floating through this world, looking for love, and then the people who actually do love him…he just doesn’t love enough.

    AO: Oh my god, that reminds me, during the Tayshia break up he was like, “I just know in my heart that I can’t love two people…and I love Cassie.”

    CZ: I CANNOT believe that he said thathe could have just left it at the “I can’t love two people.”

    AO: I know!

    CZ: Okay, I also have issues with that because he said the exact same line to

    Both: Hannah G!

    AO: He literally said it word for word! And then, on “After the Final Rose” he not only had the audacity to not give the two women an explanation, but also to “give” them both the same non-explanation! And his break-up with Hannah G., that was really, really, really, really, really, really, sad. I couldn’t watch it, practically.

    CZ: Oh, oh, okay. So I was watching this with other people and I told themI predictedthat after all the drama with the fence and Colton talking about how much he wants to leave the show and how “he’s done,” that they were going to cut to Hannah G. and she was going to be getting ready for her date and she was going to be so excitedand then they ACTUALLY did that!

    AO: They really hammed up the dramatic irony in the show.

    CZ: But that’s what The Bachelor does best! Their editing is impeccable, the music they choose, you know, all of these things…

    AO: What was really sad was watching the part where Colton goes outside and he’s like, “Yeah…I can’t believe I just did that, I’m so sad…” and then immediately follows it up with “well, that just shows how much I love Cassie.”

    CZ: Yeah!

    AO: And you just know that Hannah G. is in the live audience, watching that for the first time since the night he broke up with her. The sheer disrespect.

    CZ: I know, I know, she was just blindsided.

    AO: And that moment was the first indication, to me, that they had such a serious relationship, because Hannah G. was largely edited out of this season. Which made me even more confused about Colton’s decision to continue pursuing Cassie! Because my understanding was that his relationship with Cassie just so outshadowed his other relationships, but clearly his relationship with Hannah G. was also very serious.

    CZ: OK, so this is going to go way back into The Bachelor archives, but a few years ago, on Desiree’s season, she had a total frontrunnerthis guy Brooks. And it was very clear that she was obsessed with him, and then on the week where there were three guys left, he broke up with her! Just like Cassie did! And Desiree was heartbroken. She was like, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t like these other two guys that much.” So she immediately breaks up with one of the remaining two, and now there’s only one left. But, whereas Colton broke up with Hannah G. and pursued Cassie, Desiree did the complete opposite. She actually stuck it out with the only guy left. And what ended up happening is that they got married, and they just had a second kid a few weeks ago!

    AO: Wow!

    CZ: So I was just curious about, you know, what if he had gone on one more date with Hannah G., rather than just going after Cassie?

    AO: That’s so interesting…literally a perfect parallel. But, okay, let’s wrap this up and get to the girl we’ve all been waiting for: Cassie. I gotta be honest, by the end of the episode…I thought they were kind of cute together.

    CZ: Yeah, me too. Begrudgingly.

    AO: And as a viewer, you know, I’m glad it wrapped up nicely

    CZ: Perfect bow!

    AO: (laughs) Exactly. But as a human beingI justI don’t know. We have that scene where Cassie literally dumps Colton on national TV. Then, there’s the scene where she’s in her hotel room packing up to leave, being like, “I can’t wait to get back to my normal life

    CZ: Yes! That was very odd. She was basically like, “I can’t wait to move on.”

    AO: Absolutely. And I was just like, wow, this girl is done, she’s ready to leave and go back to a normal lifeas she should be! She’s 23! Fresh out of college! Colton is like, what, 27? Of course he’s more ready for marriage than she is. So anyway, all of this stuff happens, and then he comes back! I just couldn’t believe it. And I kind of thought it was interesting that you thought it was cute

    CZ: No, no, noWOAH. We have to backtrack

    AO: (laughs) No, you did! You said it earlier!

    CZ: This is the problem with recording thingsNo, we both sort of agreed that by the end

    AO: No, but WAY earlier in the conversation, you SAID that it was cute when they were on the bench together

    CZ: WHEN did I say that

    AO: I’m going to continue (laughs)no, well, you said that when he was explaining how he “jumped an eight-foot fence” for her, that it was kind of cute!

    CZ: NOI did not say that, I said he was TRYING to be romantic. I did NOT say it was romantic. You asked if it was ROMANTIC or CREEPY, and I said he made it out to be romantic!

    AO: (wheeze) I can’t wait to see what the transcript saysanyway, yeah, I get what you mean. But back to the show. I’m unsure which I’m more uncomfortable about: the narrative that, if a woman leaves you of her own volition, you should definitely chase after her, OR the narrative that breaking up with the two other women that you’re dating at the same time as your one true love is somehow a selfless romantic gesture that she will love.

    CZ: Yeah.

    AO: Also, props to Colton’s parents. They came for Cassie…remember when his mom looked straight into Cassie’s eyes and was like, “when you bailed?”

    CZ: I will say, they seem really happy now. Like, the video they showed of their life at home was pretty cute, and not nearly as awkward as it has been for some couples [on the show].

    AO: Yeah, I agree. I mean, they seem in love, and I do hope that Cassie is genuinely happy with her choice and that her waffling was just due to some kind of internal insecurity rather than true, deep misgivings about Colton…and I mean, we knew this was how it was going to end.

    Both, in charming unison: We wish only the best for Colton and Cassie <3

    AO: Any thoughts on the Bachelorette?

    CZ: Oh my god…

    AO: (laughs) So, for context, in the great Caelynn vs Hannah B. schism, Callie and I fell on very different ends of the divide.

    CZ: OK, here’s the problem

    AO: No, look, I didn’t like Hannah B. in the beginning. I hated her accentwhich I can say, because I’m from Northern Florida and there’s plenty of people from Alabama there and the accent just gets on my nervesand then I also hated the “hot mess express” stuff because it was so over the top. But then, as the season progressed, I realized that this is a pageant girl who is painfully awkward and clearly insecure and is just SOshe’s just such a real human being, you know?

    CZ: Yeah.

    AO: Like, she’s not some curated brand, and I love that. I’m insecure! I’m painfully awkward! I relate to that stuff

    CZ: Yeah, I definitely get what you mean.

    AO: And it’s so funny to be saying this about, literally, Miss Alabama, right? Like, “oh wow, this pageant queen is truly one of us.” And I just thought she was so vulnerable

    CZ: Are you serious?!

    AO: Yeah!

    CZ: Where.

    AO: I don’t know! She just seemed sad a lot of the time.

    CZ: I mean, yeah, I guess she seemed sad, but…okay, my issue islook, I just don’t think that our personalities, me and Hannah B., would ever mesh.

    AO: (laughs)

    CZ: I mean, I agree with you, she’s painfully awkward (laughs)…I’m not explaining this right. I do think she’s been very real in her interviews to the camera, but it has just been really difficult for her to open up with Colton. Which I understand, because it’s difficult to open up on national TV! But it does make me very worried for this season of The Bachelorette.

    AO: I get what you’re saying

    CZ: Also, also, just, a very personal thing, I cannot STAND the “unleash the beast” thing.

    AO: (does an impression of Hannah Beast)

    Both, in charming unison: We’re so happy for Hannah B. to begin her Bachelorette journey as “Hannah,” and we hope she finds her person!

    AO: Thank you so much for listening (reading?) to us ramble about The Bachelor. May your days be filled with roses and champagne.

    CZ: This has been the most dramatic recap in Bachelor history.