• September 20, 2019 |

    what the buds happened here?

    we’re going through changes…

    article by , , illustrated by

    What the BUDS happened here?

    Like most people, I don’t do well with change. Part of the excitement of kicking off a new semester after a long summer (I spent all summer in Providence? I didn’t even notice!) is returning to the rituals of a “normal” school year. All anyone wants at the beginning of the semester is to sink back into those habits that seemed to work well last time around. 

    So my first night back, I embarked on one of my regular trips to Jo’s…but it was…different. 

    Everything that had made Jo’s my sanctuary last semester was just gone. At first, I thought, It’s probably just because today’s the first day, they must just be short-staffed.

    But then it was different again the next day, and the next day, and the day after that. So this is the new “normal,” and I would sell my soul to have the old Jo’s back. But since my soul probably won’t get us anywhere, here are some ways to pretend we’re back in the glory days…

     

    Andrews: 

    Okay, not going to lie, I haven’t been to Andrews yet— the thought of walking all the way to Pembroke only to face more disappointment has left me suffering in bed. But I’ve gathered information from the most reliable source on campus: Dear Blueno. 

    They got rid of curry night. But hey! On the bright side, there won’t be any more long lines…? 

    I mean, if you’re really desperate, you can just walk to the international section of Eastside Marketplace, grab anything that looks spicy, stick it in a big pot, and bring it to a boil, or a simmer, or honestly whatever looks warm enough for cooking. Oh, unless all of your kitchens been converted into dorm rooms (Thanks, ResLife. I’m really enjoying this setup.) In that case, make a campfire using your dorm furniture as kindling!

     

    The Ivy Room: 

    Same old, same old. So if you’re looking to relive past years’ glory (or considering eating vegetarian, I guess), this is your new go-to spot! That is, of course, if you can forgive last year’s changes…(check out this piece on the Naanwich).

     

    Jo’s: 

    Everything I could say about what’s happened here is not publication-friendly.

    But have no fear, post- is here!

     

    DIY chicken nuggets: Get two Spicy Withs and sneak into the back of Jo’s. Try to find the old choppers for the salad, and really, really go to town on that meat. Is a Spicy With not just a large chicken nugget, after all? Have we not deconstructed what it really means to be a chicken nugget? What you’ll have created here, folks, is abstract art (I took one VISA class so I feel qualified to say this). 

    This is one heck of a DIY project, so you’re welcome. 

     

    Salad Chopper: Ever wanted to play a live game of Fruit Ninja? Well, your time has come! All you need for this one is a samurai sword (not to worry, the Granoff foundation is handing out scholarships to worthy students), and an extra plastic container. Then, with the help of a friend, drop the salad from up high with the spare container on the table—ready to catch your chopped salad—and go wild. We are certain that this is the most effective method. Unfortunately, they don’t sell salad choppers anymore.

     

    No mozz sticks after midnight?

    Don’t worry! All you have to do is run to East Side Mini-Mart, buy a block of mozzarella cheese (if they don’t have it, any kind of cheese will do…if you want mozz sticks that badly, it probably won’t matter), yeet yourself over the counter at Jo’s, and drop your block of cheese into the deep fryer along with some Spicy Withs. Bonus points if you can extract your abomination from the deep fryer without any tools or third-degree burns.

     

    The Quesadilla solution: Some things can’t be fixed. Just go to Baja’s (the good one). 

     

    The Ratty: 

    For the longest time (all of freshman year), I couldn’t stand the thought of going to the Ratty, until I discovered one of the few things that bring me pleasure: hazelnut flavored coffee. So, of course, it disappeared this semester. Nonetheless, I improvised. I adapted. I overcame. And you can, too!

    Fix for your “hazelnut” coffee: Grab a cup of whatever dark roast the Ratty replaced my heavenly brew with, and grab a ton of Nutella. Mix ‘em together and you have something. Heavenly? Well, maybe not in this godforsaken hellscape, but hazelnut indeed. And if they don’t have Nutella? Replace with peanut butter. Hazelnut? No, but still a nut. 

    In the same vein of destroying coffee-flavored beverages that people love, the Ratty has also depleted our coffee milk supply. How will we ever truly experience the strange, tiny state of Rhode Island again (literally 550 square miles smaller than my home county in Texas) without leaving the Brown bubble? 

    On a positive note, the Ratty has finally installed air conditioning, making it a better place for its workers overall…and honestly, if that’s where my coffee milk dollars went, I can take the loss.

     

    The Blue Room: 

    Unsurprisingly this is still the best place on campus to dine. Of course, that’s not good news for your points. Bonus: It seems like Gail has moved here for the moment! 

     

    The VDub: 

    I’m sorry but I haven’t been here since freshman year, and I still cringe thinking back to the sticky tables. Ask your resident first-year/student athlete for further updates. 

     

    How to make it all better: 

    Remember that the BUDS workers are kind, hardworking folks who are only doing their best to feed you, and you should be grateful no matter what the situation.

     

    If that doesn’t work, just go off meal plan. Trust me, my roommate’s APMA-Econ, and he’s done all the math.