• October 31, 2019 |

    netflix skips

    seriously. don’t waste your time

    article by , illustrated by

    When you’re in the middle of Brown’s never-ending midterm season, it can be tempting to open up Netflix and watch the first movie your fingers tap. However, given how precious time to procrastinate is, it is important to make your time not spent studying worthwhile. That’s why we here at post- have spent hours streaming into the void so you don’t have to (you’re welcome!), compiling a must-skip list of Netflix’s newest, most cringe-worthy releases.

     

    Riverdale

    If you haven’t already received the three-season long memo, Riverdale is officially a hot mess. I was all aboard the Archie Andrews train when the CW first rebooted this classic comic series as a TV show. However, what was once a show centered around a mystery no longer has any definitive plot. Instead, teeming with gargoyles and floating babies, you can spend forty minutes watching Riverdale and have no idea what is going on. Frankly, Riverdale has gone haywire and is not worth catching up on. Several of my friends stuck the last season out, watching simply for the memes, but now even they have determined it’s not worth their time or energy trying to decipher the Serpents subplot. 

     

    The Perfect Date

    If I ever hear the name Brooks Rattigan (Noah Centineo) again, it will have been too soon. Determined to get into Yale (mentioned roughly every other sentence), Brooks Rattigan creates an app in which he serves as the perfect (fake) date in order to earn money—and add another interesting fact to his application. The Perfect Date is filled with clichés on steroids, and they’re not even executed in a cute way. Brooks is a self-centered, unlikeable protagonist: it is hard to resist an eye-roll whenever he is on screen (i.e. the entire movie). In perhaps one of the most unsatisfying film endings ever (please don’t watch this far), Brooks simply gives up his dream following all of his endeavors and ruined friendships. I watched this with a group of friends, and we unanimously agreed this is on the worse end of Netflix’s original films. 

     

    Swiped

    Known as the pretty boy of Netflix, Noah Centineo has made this list not once but twice (which is generous). Despite his good looks, he has a remarkably bad taste in film roles—and his part in Swiped has got to be the worst. If you’re avid about fighting the patriarchy, don’t even read this film’s description—it will leave you enraged. That being said, according to a Sparknotes summary, Swiped’s premise advocates for guys to fulfill their physical desires without having to be decent human beings. In it, two college roommates develop a hookup app where no faces are included, intercourse occurs, and neither party can contact each other ever again. God forbid they try to learn each other’s names. Centineo far from excels at playing a bad boy…and let’s be real, no college campus looks that beautiful. 

     

    Greenhouse Academy

    I’ve admittedly watched my fair share of high-school dramas. While some are worth raving about (see: Elite), Greenhouse Academy is not one that deserves high praise. I typically love a show with short, thirty-minute episodes, as I often breeze through three in one sitting. To say the least, this one was lackluster. In honor of his late mother’s death, Alex intends to attend the same leadership high-school as she did. However, admission is not without its rigors, given its notorious entrance exam and the school’s rivaling teams. Alex Woods (Finn Roberts) is set up as a highly likable character; therefore, having the odds stacked against him in the very first episode did not give me much desire to continue watching, especially given the unpleasant sibling dynamic between him and his sister, Hayley (Ariel Mortman) as the episode progressed. Alas, season three of this series just debuted on Netflix: perhaps it is someone else’s cup of tea. 

     

    The New Romantic

    While this list is not in any particular order, perhaps The New Romantic deserves the unofficial top spot. I truly do not think any description could fully sum up The New Romantic’s intent, or lack thereof. Nevertheless, the film follows student-journalist-turned-sugar-baby Blake (Jessica Barden) as she goes undercover for an assignment in the hopes of keeping her column alive. Like Riverdale, (which also stars Camila Mendez), The New Romantic suffers from a total lack of coherent plot. The film simply unfolds as Blake makes mistake after mistake, constantly landing herself in unfortunate situations with no resolution or justification. 

    With a new wave of Netflix releases coming this November, let’s hope there’s a better lineup in store for us.